Castle Whiterock 27 February 2023: Fluffy

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

Garreth looks at the trees, and sees someone has watered them. He checks out the base of each tree for signs of whoever has watered them. He sees there are light footprints nearby, and not much dust. I look at the Decanter of Endless Water, and start watering the trees.

Garreth tells Bleu to cast See Invisible on all of us. Suddenly, we see a ghostly maid glaring at me. "You're watering the trees too much. I already watered them. Master Pelltiar will be unhappy."

Garreth asks, "When's the last time the master was home?"

The servant says, "Master Pelltiar is in his study. You should not disturb him." Garreth asks if Pelltiar is alive and I ask if he likes to party, and the servant says, "I do not go into his study and disturb him. Hmmm. What is alive? He does not like the halflings' idea of party. Or the clerics'. Or the knights'. Or the squires'. Or anyone's. He does not wish to have guests. That is why he has his Wizard's Respite inaccessible to the outside world." Garreth asks when she last saw him move, and the servant says that she has watered the trees hundreds of times since she last saw him move, and that he is in his study and is not to be bothered. "Is he angered about when I cleaned the easels?"

I yawn. "Bleu, she seems to be right up your alley." Bleu tells us about all about the Unseen Servants that cleaned the dorms at Wizard School.

Garreth asks the servant what her name is. The servant says that Pelltiar usually called her "Servant" or "Bothersome construct" or "What Are You Doing Don't Do That."

I ask Bothersome which way the study is. She points down, and says that I must not bother Pelltiar. I ignore her, and we go down to the study. The study is about as big as the room above it, with stone book cases on one side, almost in a maze, and all full of books. On the other side is a comfy chair with a man in gray robes lying on it, with an open book on his lap. The table next to him is full of dust and books, and a staff is propped up on the chair. We hear a woman's voice whisper, "Don’t forget to return the book on Ghetrian geography. Nim still has your favorite cookbook: Stirge: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore; 101 Additional Recipes."

Bothersome pulls out two swords. "Please leave the study so I may stop you."

I roll my eyes. "Stay out. And we have way worse than that." Bothersome hovers, looking bothered.

Garreth checks out Pelltiar. "The master can't be disturbed now. He's dead and beyond bothering."

He asks Bleu if there is a way to get Bothersome out of her compulsion. She thinks, and says, "She will only listen to orders from 'Master Pelltiar,' if you could have him give orders, or convince her that orders were from him somehow."

I wave to Bleu to cast Magic Mouth, but she shrugs and shakes her head: she doesn't know it. Garreth whispers to me to pretend I'm a cleric, and so I pull out a joint and light it up. "Incense." 

Bothersome says, "He doesn't like fires in his study."

Ignoring Bothersome, I set my joint off to the side, then put my hands on Pelltiar's hands. "Oh, great wizard from beyond, hear you me my sacred cry. Ohm." I open my whiskeyskin and brings it up to Pelltiar's mouth. "Oh, Pelltiar, drink you now our sacred wine. Ohm!"

This bothers Bothersome. "You are disturbing the Master. I must not let you disturb the Master. I must not enter the study. I must not let you disturb the Master. I must not enter the …" I raise Pelltiar's hands as subtly as I can, trying to to make it look like Pelltiar is raising his hands on his own.

This amazes Bothersome. "You are moving, Master!"

I pour more whiskey in Pelltiar's mouth. "For now our congregant wishes to engage in the bacchanalia and drink the wine. Ohm!" I hold his hands, then throw my head back.

Bothersome asks Pelltiar, "May I enter the study to dispose of the intruders disturbing you, Master?"

I hold the hands of the corpse. "For Pelltiar speaks through me, servant of the god Bacchus." I throw back my head and make silly possession movements with my tongue and eyes. In a weak and creaky voice, I call out, "No!"

Bothersome stops hinting at trying to come inside. "Yes, Master Pelltiar. I will not enter the study."

I make even more tongue and eye movements. "Leave!"

Bothersome nods. "Yes, Master. Where shall I go?"

"Home!"

Bothersome says, "This is my home, Master."

Oh, yeah, that's a little problem. So, in a creaky voice, I say, "Elf gives home now." She looks at Polly, and I say, "Cookies!"

Polly asks Bothersome if she can make cookies, and Bothersome says, "Yes, Mistress."

Polly asks, "Can we keep her?"

I set down Pelltiar's hands. "She's no less boring than Bleu, so I don't see why not."

Polly says. "I think she needs a petter name than 'Bothersome Construct.' Hmm. 'Fluffy'?" I nod, and Polly turns to Bothersome. "OK, Bothersome, your new name is 'Fluffy.'"

Fluffy nods. "Yes, Mistress."

I grip Pelltiar's hands again. "I leave this world!" I make more silly tongue and eye movements before letting go, as Fluffy is now ignoring Pelltiar, and puts her swords back up. I wipe off the tip of my whiskeyskin, and offer some to Logan to get the taste of death off it. Once he has his fill, I take a swig and close Pelltiar's eyes.

Stonemaul walks in the room. "That was remarkably kind of everyone." With that, he gives Pelltiar the last rites. Garreth bids Bleu to look the room, and she finds a Robe of the Archmagi, an Amulet of Natural Armor 6, a Clay Golem manual, a Ring of Wizardry, a Ring of Sustenance, a Staff of Conjuration with 17 charges, a Tome of Understanding, the Book of Melosiran that teaches about the elven wizard Melosira and her rings, and the chair, which is a Chair of Comfort and Understanding.

Back on the tree level, I find a magical sapphire that Bleu says activates some magic item. I also find five Marvelous Pigments, and four amateur paintings: one of Castle Whiterock at sunset before it became a lake, one of a bunch of geometric shapes, an unfinished one of a beautiful elf woman in a flowing gown, and one blank. Fluffy nods at the blank canvas. "I cleaned that one after Master Pelltiar spilled paint on it. Master Pelltiar was not pleased with me. He got the easel dirty. Why should I not clean it?" I draw a smiley face on the shapes.

With that, we take the trees and put them in the Bag of Holding. They'd look great in Logan's Run, and Fluffy can water them.

Castle Whiterock 13 February 2023: Where's the fight?

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

We wander through the ruins of Narborg on our way to the burning maze, seeing the carrion crawlers and goblins that have moved in, we spot an arcane rune. We ask Bleu, and she says, "It seems to be Wizard Pelltar's mark and has additional symbolism meaning '75 yards due north.'"

Garreth and Polly dig 75 yards due north, and they come out in a chamber. Bleu, Logan, and I follow them, and we link up with them in a chamber that is round and big, almost 40 feet athwart, and a soft glow from the ceiling lights it. The middle of the floor has an opening going down, and above that opening is one in the ceiling going up. On the far side is a big bed, an ironbound chest, and a black wooden bookcase with books. Near where we came in is a kitchen with a table and chair, and a small stone alcove with metal sheets inside.

We hear a woman's voice say, "Don’t forget to eat." As we cannot find the speaker, we ask Bleu to cast detection spells. She tells us that the alcove is magic, as well as the bottle near it, the books in the bookshelf, and the ironbound chest. The voice, she says, is a recording using the Magic Mouth spell.

I check out the chest. It is locked with an outstanding lock. Polly shoots it to make sure it's not a mimic. Then I borrow Garreth's Gloves of Dexterity, drink an Agility Potion, and easily pick the lock. "Piece of cake." I give Garreth back his gloves, and he puts them back on.

Inside the chest are $35,391 in many gold and platinum coins, ten shiny gems worth $1,000 each, and 9 books. Bleu says they look like spellbooks of rare spells. As the chest has unusual depth, Bleu says we cannot safely put the chest into our Bag of Holding, though I can get in it easily, and breathe while in it.

We check out the bottle. It looks like a common bottle, but has some words in Aquan on it: "Stream," "Fountain," "Geyser," and "Halt." Bleu says this is a Decanter of Endless Water, and these are command words. In the alcove, Bleu sees writing in Draconic, and says these are command words for heating the metal plates in the alcove. We pour some water from the Decanter onto the plates, then speak the command words, and the the water steams as it hits the now-glowing plates. We check for food, and find reserved delicacies, canned dire duck foie gras, elven cookies, elven brandy, and so forth. I feed Logan the dire duck foie gras, while Garreth and I try the brandy.

We check the bookcase, and see it has 25 books with Draconic writing on them. Bleu says the writing is about shelves, ladders, steps, and stairs. Speaking the command words, we turn the books into steps spiraling up to the hole in the ceiling. Garreth steps on them, but the books sink a little from his weight, so I step on them, then walk up them to the hole. Garreth, of course, just walks on the air, as do the others.

This circular level is about 35 feet athwart. An opening in the well-lit ceiling leads to a loft that looks like it is cluttered with junk. Along the right wall are several dwarf trees, and along the left wall there is a big desk and many wooden easels. The easels hold canvas paintings, some done, some still needing work.

A perky feminine voice says, “Don’t forget to water the trees. Still need to finish the painting of Amarantha.”

Nobody knows who Amarantha is.

Castle Whiterock 23 January 2023: How do a rakshasa and a medusa get it on, anyways?

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

Back in Cillamar, Garreth buys a mirrored dwarven shield and a man-sized sack, while I buy two Charisma potions. Then we go back to Castle Whiterock, down to Baghanaya's lair.

We go chill near the toxic waste. I hand Stonemaul a joint to smoke while he meditates next to toxic waste. The djinn from earlier holds up his hands trying to look friendly.

I take a swig of whiskey. "Hey, whassup?"

The djinn says, "Lord Baghanaya, the Great Rakshasa, welcomes you to his domain and requests you not explode the door again."

I shrug. "Yeah, well, it's open, so we don't need to blow it up." I look around. "Where's his girlfriend?"

The djinn says, "The Lady Scithia is found to the south, past his humble abode. I will lead you to where you may begin your hunt."

I offer the djinn a drink. He says, "Ooh, I love air and water, is it related?" I say it is, and he comes over and takes a drink. "Ah, electrifying! I could become a tornado! But I won't."

I say, “Well, it'll put hair on your chest if you drink enough. And I promise not to smoke anything around you, since that's fire and air."

Garreth asks if the djinn grants wishes, and the djinn says he is not planning to grant any wishes at that time.

The djinn leads us to some curtains by a tiger statue. He stops and does something by the statue, and the curtains open to a short hallway that turns right beyond the curtains. At the end of the hallway is a set of stone double doors, and there is another such set on the far wall about midway through the hallway. The djinn says,  "Through these doors is the masters art collection. Do you wish to see the art collection?" I tell him we'll pass for now, then he leads us to the set of doors at the end of the hall. "Lady Scithia may be found beyond. She is not expecting you."

Garreth shuts his eyes and hands me the shield, which I crouch behind. I put a blindfold on Logan and make a leash out of twine. I make another blindfold out of part of my shirt and wear it as a headband as a failsafe, and put some twine on Polly's wrist. Polly shuts her eyes and readies her shield and rapier. Garreth tells Bleu to keep back and only get involved when we need her. Garreth and I chat about how we're going to talk to Scithia, but we can't think of what to say beyond asking her what her relationship is with Baghanaya. With that, I push open the door.

Beyond the door are tunnels like the ones outside Baghanaya's apartments. To my right and forward I hear something. I'm looking at the ground with the shield up as I lead everyone to where I hear the din.

I don't have to lead everyone far before Garreth feels the blows. I hear him yelp, and can smell the perfume of the medusas. Logan and Polly blindly swat at the medusas near them, and both hit. When they hit, the medusas poof in a shower of flower petals. I whip out a Greater Healing potion and hold it out for Garreth, who already is drinking one of his own potions. Bleu peeks out and casts Great Haste on Garreth. We hear Scithia's astonished cry. "Waa? Your not dead? You just healed that much? Guards! Baghanaya cuddles! Help!"

The medusas step back and shoot a volley of arrows at Garreth, who bats them away. Scithia yells, "Unfair!"

The guardian statues turn into snakes and move. One swats at me, but I block it with the mirrored shield. I step and pour a potion Garreth's throat. Logan and Polly go after a snake, Polly dropping her buckler and rapier to grab her bow (I think). Garreth charges towards the source of the arrows. Scithia yells, "Stupid guards! You let him past!" I hear the din of Garreth yelling a kiai as he chops at medusas, and then Scithia yells, "Aiii! Baghanaya, help!"

I hear the sound of a blade coming out, and the light coming towards us dims. The djinn says, "Um, do you still wish to continue hostilities? You seem to have upset Lady Scithia greatly."

I call back, "Jeez, all we were gonna do was nab her so the rakshasa could have kinky sex with her!"
From there, we start chatting. The djinn tells the statues to stand down. I say, "Hey, Lord Baghanaya wanted us to capture you, bind you, and bring you to his room for perversions I dare not fathom."

Scithia asks, "Waaa! Is that true, Baghanaya?!"

I hear Baghanaya's growl. "You weren't supposed to tell her that! I was supposed to swoop in and heroically save her!"

I sigh, "You weren't saving her fast enough!"

Scithia asks, "Why didn't you leave your room?"

Baghanaya says, "I was finishing my glass of wine, and I was in bed. With the covers, it was comfortable."

Scithia cries, "They were going to kill me! The half orc! And he must be immortal! I stabbed him in the vitals! Five times! With my assassin's dagger! With bladeblack! By surprise! And he didn't die!"

I chuckle. "We weren't gonna kill you! Just get you laid!"

Garreth sings a little tune, "I'm Too Awesome for Death."

Itake a swig. "I forget cats aren't the most motivated creatures. Even cats dressed like Hugh Hefner and having kinky sex with snake women."

Scithia sobs, "HMMMFFF! And I was even wearing this cute magical maid armor!"

I grin. "I bet it's hot. Baghanaya is gonna be a lucky cat tonight." I think about peeking out, but instead light up a joint. "I'll stick to getting stoned this way."

For all this, Baghanaya gives Garreth a ring of Wish, Polly an Ironskin Amulet, and me a rod of Wither Limb. "Hmmmf! You're a lot of trouble, Scithia. Not only are you mad at me, I am paying to have you mad at me!"

Scithia scoffs. "Yeah, well, all my ex-boyfriends are in your art gallery! Wanna join them?"

I chuckle and make an aside to Baghanaya. "Baghanaya, if it means anything, but make-up-after-a-fight sex is way, way hot."

Castle Whiterock 9 January 2023: Tiger tales

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

We see a rakshasa sitting on the bed. I ask him, "Hey, there, wanna drink up?"

The rakshasa scowls. "Drink? With you? What makes you think you are worthy to drink with me, intruders who have killed my guards and broken into my sanctum?"

I shrug. "We didn't wanna drink with your guards, man. We wanted the best!"

He pauses. "Have you any duergar stout? It has been so long since a shipment from Narborg arrived."

I turn to Garreth. "Hey, Garreth, got any duergar stout?"

Garreth sighs. "I don't think we have any left, we could go rummage around in the ruins and see what we can find."

Garreth starts looking, but the rakshasa pipes up. "Ah, Gar-Eff and the Murder Hoboes?" He sniffs. "I do not see the point of such frivolities as much, I believe that the truest form of artistic expression is fine oratory" It then goes into ancient speeches of forgotten generals from the past, in the Ancient tongue.

I turn to Bleu. "Bleu, getting all of this?"

Bleu looks at me point blank. "No."

Garreth mutters in Undercommon, "Is he worth being friends with? Music is frivolity? What is that, poetry?"

I say back, "He looks like he knows how to party, man."

The rakshasa says back to us in Undercommon, "Only if you are worthy to be my friends."

I go through the booze in the bag of holding. "Man, we need a liquor cabinet of holding, too."

Stonemaul: chimes in. "The garbage those under-dwarves drink is only fit for setting things on fire. You might be able to get it as a cornucopia of flame-syphon ammo."

The rakshasa cocks an eyebrow. "You know of something far superior?"

Stonemaul says, "I will differ to my compatriots who have a very adventurous pallet to make recommendation."

Garreth shrugs. "I'm less of a connoisseur than a heavy consumer. I like to get drunk but it takes flammable booze by the pint. I'm depressingly sober right now, though. We had a bottle of dwarven firewine a while back that wasn't bad."

I hand over my whiskeyskin. "G, have a little more."

Garreth eyes the tiger thing and shakes his head slowly. "After."

The rakshasa dismisses us with a wave. "Then, depart the way you came, and return only with appropriate gifts, then may I leave you pass."

Garreth asks, "What would we pass to?"

The rakshasa says, "Beyond my realm and into that of the dragon. Also if you run into a medusa, do not slay her, bring her to me bound and you shall be rewarded."

I say, "We don't care about your realm. I mean, it sounds sweet, but it's yours. We care about that dragon. The medusa, not my type. I like being stoned, but not stoned stoned."

Stonemaul nods. "What would your plans be for this medusa?"

The rakshasa smiles. "We've been together for a few centuries now so I think it would you know, as they say, spice things up." He gives Stonemaul a wink.

I give the rakshasa a thumbs-up. "I totally dig the way you think."

Stonemaul says, "So, you're already in a relationship with the medusa and you want to pay us to become third parties to your bedroom play?" He shrugs. "I am OK with that."

The rakshasa adds, "I can gallantly rescue her! It will be fun! I won't even kill you!"

I ask, "How do we all deal with her eyes?"

Stonemaul says, "They do say that if you close off your eyes your other senses are heightened."

The rakshasa scoffs, "Uh, if you intend to deal with the dragon you best be able to handle a medusa. Put a bag over her head?"

I agree. "That works! It works for a medusa or for Bea Arthur!"

Stonemaul sighs. "Well, we were going to have to deal with the medusa anyway, and this seems like a very valid opportunity to introduce some chaos into what seems like a longstanding relationship."

Garreth shrugs. "It's something to discuss and or plan for. We might want to go get a mirrored shield or four."

Stonemaul nods. "If you'd be so kind as to excuse us we'll discuss your offer in detail." He heads back to the barrel of radioactive waste.

The rakshasa nods as well. "Very well, do stop by after you have your little chat"

I tell Logan to stand watch, and we chat among ourselves, as much in Aquan as we can. Stonemaul says, "As I said, we were going to have to deal with the rakshasa and the medusa anyway. Doing this seems to make the job a bit easier. Further, with Zaber's platinum-coated tongue we can most likely simply inform the medusa of the plan, and have her act out the helpless victim, thus avoiding that fight as well."

I gurgle in Aquan, "I, like, know he wants to kill us and will do it when he has a chance, but I like his lifestyle."

Stonemaul says, "I believe you won him over quite well with your speech, and he seemed pretty honest about his offer. I'm totally down if you guys want to just get on with the slaughtering, but having a medusa and rakshasa in our debt seems like it may pay off more than having a few more notches on my sword."

Garreth has Bleu tell us about rakshasas. "So, they are a race of Lawful Evil outsiders. They enjoy power and dominance of a predatory aristocrat, but the lazy indolence and luxury of a cat. They cannot resist the finer things in life, and wield powerful sorcerous magic. They can shapeshift and assume various forms, preferring that of humanoid tigers, but are marked by their reversed hands."

Garreth raises his eyebrow. "Lawful? So they must keep deals?"

Bleu nods. "It does not appear it is a form of demonic contract, but yes, they should in general honor their word. They feel their nobility far exceeds that of lesser races." Garreth asks if they can grant wishes. Bleu says they cannot, but they can craft enchantments.

Stonemaul says, "So, it seems the real question is: how much can we negotiate playing bedroom pixies for?"

Garreth shakes his head. "So, I have a few other concerns. He associated with the slavers. I went a long way out of my way to murder those slavers."

Stonemaul sighs. "Suppose we could ask him what he intends to do after this is all said and done. Get back to the choppin' if it's more slavery."

Garreth shakes his head again. "The association with slavery, then the ask to bring us another creature bound up just rubs me the wrong way. I'll go along with the group on this, but making my concerns heard."

I say, "Will do whatever it takes to get in this cat's doubtless marvelous liquor cabinet."

Garreth chuckles, "Murder gets us there just fine."

Stonemaul says, "How about this? We do like I outlined: Zaber talks to the medusa. So long as she's down for whatever this relationship is, then are are just bedroom pixies facilitating … something. And we get them both to pay us for the troubles."

With that, we set forth for Cillamar again to get mirrored shields.

Castle Whiterock 12 December 2022: Eskimo

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

Polly tries to find Ghost Touch for her rapier, which she does, but cannot find Shatterproof for it also. She gets a new bless, and we go back to Castle Whiterock.

We go back to the room where we fought the djinn, and outside the door, there's a sign. The sign has writing in many languages, including Common, Dwarven, Undercommon, and Elven. I start to read it, and Garreth peers at the sign sounding it out, mouth moving silently. The hair on the back of my neck tingles, I stop reading. "Maybe not read that." The others stop reading it as well.

Garreth glares through his eyelids at the sign while stepping back, sensing with chi. He beckons Logan to him, then rummages in the backpack of holding for his awesome mundane oricalchum sword. Garreth fishes it out and takes note of the sign's location. Logan pants and makes a couple of yipping sounds. "Zaber, get away from there!" Garreth hauls us and the barrel behind the safe rock wall.

Garreth asks Bleu, "If I put a greatsword through the trap, what are the odds I regret it?"

Bleu shrugs. "Sometimes things explode, sometimes they don't." She gives us a detailed accounting of the 1,801 observed objects hit with a greatsword by Twombius the Thwacker, of which 904 exploded

I roll my eyes. "Wake me when she's done." Garreth tosses his sword at the sign, splitting it in two and letting out a blast, far enough away so that nothing hurts us. I takes a swig of whiskey after a hit. "Wow. Cool."

Garreth goes to get his sword. He picks it up and sheathes it, in time to see the doors swing open! "Hey guys, that sign is a heath and safety hazard, imagine if someone fragile had been here."

We see a large three headed white tiger, and I haven't yet taken any mushrooms. "Hello, Kitty!"

Polly moves and takes three shots at the triger and it falls dead. "The three heads and being covered in spiky protrusions plus loud explosions are signs of not being natural, right?" Garreth starts to skin the tiger after a slug from my whiskeyskin, and takes its salamander amulet after the tiger melts.

I takes another swig. "Hey, where's Blah?" I look around, and Bleu comes up from behind us. "Wow, Blah, we didn't notice you were gone!" The door is now open. I go into the room. I see a pair of incongruous stone doors are set into the wall across the surface of the lake. They seem to be unadorned. Intricate tracework of spellruin ivy surrounds the locking mechanisms. "We got any more magical Roundup?"

Garreth nods. "Bleu, let's say you wanted to contain a highly magical creature. Would planting spellruin ivy be a good way to get that done?" Bleu happily babbles on The Care of Magical Creatures, and we learn that trace amounts of spellruin ivy like this would be effective against small but mighty magical creatures such as the Lavender Micro Salamander, but not ones which might be able to physically force it. This would make it tough to use Lockmaster or other magic on the lock.

I sigh. "I think I wanna know what she's on."

Garreth asks, "What if there's a lot more beyond the door?" Bleu gives us many many many details of the Lavender Micro Salamander. According to her, one has big eyes, can set giant amounts of fires even though it is small, and likes blonde princesses and snow. It can control its temperature and makes a great pet if you don't mind it burning down houses, settlements, or woods from time to time.

Garreth sighs. "Bleu, I don't care about the salamander you kept as a pet. I want to know if lots of spellruin ivy could keep larger powerful magical creatures captive."

Bleu says, "Well, this door could stop a Lavender Micro Salamander, which is a powerful magical creature. It would not stop say a a very large elemental."

Garreth asks, "Or a demon?"

Bleu adds, "Possibly the lavender micro salamander could slip under the door, but not through the lock, as you can see the spellruin ivy, though only trace amounts, is very near the lock." Bleu happily babbles on the many and varied demons, of which only less strong ones would be stopped by this.

Garreth strips down to his shirtsleeves waiting till last to remove the amulet. He rushes the door and splatters the hinges and lock with herbicide, killing the ivy. He sets down the barrel and sprints back to the amulet, tossing it on, as well as the rest of his gear.

Bleu keeps babbling, "Now, the Lavender Micro Salamander would be able to melt out the locking mechanism and wiggle through." We also learn that Lavender Micro Salamanders enjoy hot peppers, hot coffee and hot lava baths.

I beckon to Bleu. "Bleu, come here. Smoke this." I light up my joint again and put in her mouth. She smokes it, and soon is telling stories of Lavender Micro Salamanders dancing through the clouds upside down to thin air. She is somewhat less boring. She flies through the air sideways, divorced from the call of gravity. "I'm gonna move her up to shrooms next."

I pick the lock, and the door opens. The path ahead is not rough stone, but rather a smooth corridor decorated with mosaics on all surfaces. The floor and ceiling resemble the delicate scales of a snake, and the walls feature bold designs similar to the pelt of a tiger.

However, Bleu keeps talking. She tells stories about phase serpents and cat snakes from college. "On the first day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the second day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the fourth day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, and on the fifth day I fed a dead rat!" She tells how the dancing clouds elevate the rats soul to the great beyond in the sky. How sad.

I chuckle, "Pretty soon she'll be my kinda woman."

After a few more feet, I make out lights ahead. The tunnel ends in an arched stone door. On either side of the door is a pillar, each mounted with the head of an animal: a tiger on the right and a snake to the left. From each animal’s mouth hands a low-burning, hooded lantern. I go past the doors, down the stairs, and check out the door, which is locked with even more spellruin ivy. I beckon Garreth for more Roundup, and he takes care of it before I pick the lock.

The door opens into a T-shaped room with high ceilings. In the middle of the room is a long table, with costly dishes atop it. Each end has a wooden thrones. Double doors are set into the wall on the other wide, and curtains hide what is beyond to the left and right. I check the left passage, pushing aside a spider silk curtain with a tiger print pattern.

Beyond the curtain is a big bedchamber with a big, four-poster bed fit for a king, a big vanity on the far wall with ribbons and combs all over it, and pillows scattered on floor. The ceiling arches overhead to a height of twenty feet. Checked tiles cover the floors, and smaller tiles make dizzying geometric patterns on the walls.

Lounging on a pillow is a man with a tiger’s pelt and head, and its paw-hands are set on its wrists backwards. It idly looks over at us as we go into the room and then smiles, showing a mouth full of sharp teeth.

I smile with envy. "Man, you have a great life!"

Castle Whiterock 28 November 2022: Whirlwind

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

Garreth concentrates on getting faster. The two big djinn start whirling, tornadoes springing up around them. The wind hammers me but I stay up. Bleu casts Great Haste on Garreth. Polly says, "Hey, these tornados are discriminating against the Elven Way of Life!" She steps and switches from her bow to her rapier and shield. The djinn in back vanishes. I put on my ring and step back.

Garreth surges forward to do violence, and two of his blows land. The djinn says, "You have amazing skill! So fast! But it only tickles!" The other djinn tries to move, but it bonks into me and stops. It looks around, confused. Logan claws it twice. The djinn by Garreth steps forward and lashes out at him with flashing flaming steel, but Garreth parries. Polly smacks away with her rapier the other djinn. Something happens and it sweeps up. I try to slip under its legs, but cannot get through.

Logan claws it twice.

Garreth keeps swinging Scalemar, and another four of his blows land. Bleu casts Great Haste on Polly. Polly steps and attackw, and keeps shredding the djinn. It looks like it is still hurt a bit and only looks mostly happy and healthy. Garreth asks what is happening and Bleu says, "It appears that the smaller one which vanished earlier cast Major Healing." Garreth swears in three languages. I get past the djinn, and Logan waits for one to come in reach.

Garreth remembers the awesome Ghost Touch Long Knife. He growls and spins suddenly, shoving his hand into the handy haversack. The djinn looks puzzled. "What's that? A knife?"

Garreth spins around and greatly wounds it. It drops its falchion and looks greatly wounded. Garreth grins wickedly. "I can murder you now." Garreth's blade somehow turns aside just moments before it connects, but the djinn now seems bereft of protection. Garreth glares. "Deprived of my rightful prey."

The other djinn says, "Awww, I wanted to squash the stupid green blonde elf." Garreth yells, stunning the djinn hear him. It pounds Garreth, knocking him to the ground. Polly whacks away at the other djinn, and only nicks it. The wounds on the djinn by Garreth suddenly heal. I step and look for the invisible foe.

Garreth digs into his potion belt to fast draw and quaffs two healing potions, and kips up. The djinn sneers. "I hit you once I can hit you again! Hiding behind the elfy welfy? I guess I'll smash her first! It tries to smash Polly, who looks like she is about to fall as she steps back, but somehow takes no wounds. The other one tries to slam Polly. She blocks, and then it tries to whack at her skill twice with a fist of air and flame but misses. She whacks back at it, hitting five times. Logan likewise claws at the djinn, and I keep looking for the invisible djinn.

Garreth slashes up the djinn, and it poofs back to its home. Garreth roars in defiance the other djinn and stabs, but it parries his knife. Bleu steps and casts See Invisible on herself. The djinn starts to move, and Garreth roars in defiance at it again. It again parries his knife. It starts to move again just as Polly hits it before going off balance. I keep looking.

Logan gets between Bleu and any foes. She steps and casts See Invisible on me, and I see the caster a couple of yards in front of me. It doesn't look like it sees me. Garreth roars in defiance at the djinn he can see and stabs but misses. He roars again and again, stunning it. Polly whacks away and hits it four times. The caster says, "He's beat up and he's stunned? I could cast Major Healing or Awaken, but  … So long and thanks for all the mermaid skeletons!" And it poofs.

I say, "Oh, heck with it, I'll stab this guy in the eye," and I do that to the last djinn, but it doesn't hurt it much.

Garreth asks, "Bleu, can this thing grant wishes if we spare it?"

Bleu shakes her head. "No, only the stronger ones can do that"

Garreth shrugs and chooses to murder it. He drops his knife, then grumbles and switches back to Scalemar. He yells again, and takes it down.

I feel a twinge, and move down a small tunnel. Atop the frozen lavafall, I find a small recess – clearly part of a large lava tube that has been sealed off. A natural flow ledge makes a passable bench along the right wall, and the djinn were playing a game of cards on it when we came. A few thousand gold and several gems are stacked neatly in three piles.

Castle Whiterock 7 November 2022: Dem bones

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

I tell Garreth and Polly that I have to see this portal, and they tell me to go for it. I go to the northeast and see my new friends hacking at the spell ruin ivy with their sickles. Fadulla tells me to keep following the lava. So I follow the lava stream up a sloped tunnel and come to a small cave. The lava stream comes out of a blazing hole and twists the outline of the cave. It feels warm and toasty even with my salamander amulet.

I ask Mufaqu, "How easy is the trip? It just like walking through the door of a pub or something?"  Mufaqu says it is, as well as going back, so I try it. My choice to go through lasts only a split second. I hold myself back as something seems wrong. It seems really neat, but I felt like I was starting to catch on fire. "Something tells me I gotta hold back for now, as cool—er, sweet—as the idea sounds."

Garreth tells me that I have to learn self-control, then shows the efreet the spellruin herbicide, which greatly speeds the hacking away at the spellruin ivy that the efreet are doing. Mufaqu tries it, looks impressed then gives it back. "That is wild! Do you want to trade it for the sickle?" Garreth holds off on any trade for the moment, even though Fadulla ups his offer for real alchemist's fire ("not just that puny human stuff"), as we need to get more.

So I go back and fly over the island and hot lava, and am now over land again. The ceiling has strange stalactites that look like frozen liquid rock, with a six foot crack in it. At the end of the tunnel is a hardened lavafall that goes up about thirty feet. There is a cave mouth at the top of it, so I fly down the it, and turn left when the tunnel does. I can see that this tunnel was once in an old lava lake, but it is now cooled and hard. At the end of the tunnel are two stone doors, locked when I check.

I check out the walls, and see there are fish bones frozen in it, as well as a mermaid's bones. I send Logan to get the others, who brings them back after an oddly long stall. "Took ya long enough! Did you stop for dinner or something?"

Garreth boggles. "It's not like I speak death weasel."

I sigh. "Oh, he's not just running up to you for food. I mean, he is running up to you for food, but there's more, y'know?"

Polly looks. "Whoa, I didn't know fish were in walls." I show her the mermaid bones as well.

Then I pick the lock to the doors. It swings open, and I see two big, red-skinned humanoids, with tails of tornadoes, and a smaller one behind them.

I say to the djinn, "Wow, hey there. You know there's mermaid bones out here, right?"

Castle Whiterock 17 October 2022: You're the best around, nothing's gonna ever keep you down

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

More of the magic-foiling ivy grows here in a thick mass, coating all surfaces of the tunnel and making it hard to move around. We see a steady light up ahead. We hear what sounds like loud fire sounds with hissing and cracking and popping. But it seems to have meter and pattern as if it was speech.

Garreth throws vials with the herbicide, and tosses them at the spell-ruin ivy. As he tosses the vials, I look up. "Wait a minute. First I think I see Thrognar, then Stonemaul, then Thrognar." I look down at his flask. "What's in this?"

Garreth slings the sack over his shoulder, and I say he should ask his sword about the din. Garreth tells us that it's akin to the red dialect of Chromatic, but not the same. So Bleu casts Gift of Tongues on me, and I put on my ring and go to listen.

The first voice says, "Hey, there are interesting noises! Maybe it is something interesting we can twist into a pretzel!"

Another voice says, "Probably like more fire tiger things."

The first voice says, "Man, I wanna go to the Bleak Theater."

The other voice says, "Eventually, eventually."

The first voice says, "I heard the Impressario was getting Gar-Eff and the Murderhoboes in concert!"

The other voice says, "Yeah, and those drow were cute! I wonder what fun things they can do with Web!"

A deeper voice says, "Whatever. The noises might be dangerous."

The first voice says, "Bah, you worry too much!"

The deep voice says, "It's my job to worry."

I go back and say to Garreth that he should put on a concert. Garreth starts singing a traditional drow song about murdering your mother to steal her chair or something in Undercommon, and Logan barks along.

The first voice says, in Undercommon, "What amazing singing!" Two overgrown, humanoid creatures come flying out, accompanied by a third clamping along. Two have small horns protruding from their head and wear baggy, purple pantaloons over their bright red skin. The third is a fearsome warrior, with plate armor and a long glaive at the ready. His black skin and fiery red hair mark him as a giant common to climates such as these.

The second red one says, in Undercommon, "Oh my God, it's Gar-Eff!" Garreth keeps singing how both mother and daughter are betrayed by a third party who also wants the chair, then bares his teeth.

The first red one says, "There's Polly and Ibizaber and Logan, but where are Seep and Eli?"

I say, "They went solo."

The first red one asks, "So what are you doing down here? Are you going to tour the Plane of Fire?"

Garreth says, "We're mostly looking for a way down to the dragon. We owe him a visit."

I add, "We can tour, too, however. What are the venues?"

The first red one says, "Just right this way to the Plane of Fire! Through the Portal, up the River of Magma, and you will be at the Palace of Fa'al'zaqan, Lord of the Efreet!"

I say, "Wow, that sounds like a helluva place to play!"

The first red one says, "It is the BEST venue in all the planes of existence!"

I say, "It would have to be with a name like Fa'al'zaqan."

Garreth says, "I didn't know we could get there from here. Although I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose."

The first red one says, "No, it is EASY! It is right this way!"

The other red one says, "Yes, we could show you the portal"

Garreth nods. "Why not? We can't visit today, but it can't hurt to know the way. Might I know your names?"

The first red one says, "I am Mufaqu and this is Fadulla." They bow. The giant says nothing. Garreth bows, then eyes the giant and raises one eyebrow slightly. Mufaqu says, "Oh, he is a mere janissary guard, of no importance. Not like us noble efreeti."

I say, "Well, we've never meet such esteemed efreeti before."

They swell with pride. Fadulla says, "We have not had visitors come to serenade us in our place of work before, where we long labor at hacking the accursed ivy!"

We hash out the details about the Plane of Fire, talking about the important things: our salamander amulets, magma, things being safe for mustelids, fine fire elementals candied with "delicious chocolate and undead peppers crust" and "caster sugar made with real casters," and, of course, booze. Garreth and Mufaqu agree to have a friendly wrestling match, with Mufaqu enlarging Garreth to make a fair fight. If Garreth wins, he gets a wish, and if Mufaqu wins, we agree to do a gig at Mufaqu's noble villa.

I take a swig before the fight. "In one corner, we have the master of flame Mufaqu! In the other corner, we have Gar-Eff, hopped up on steroids!" Mufaqu tries to grab Garreth, but he steps aside and concentrates on speeding up. Mufaqu again tries to grab Garreth after a feint, but Garreth steps back. He tries some kung fu moves and falls down, but leaps back up. 

Mufaqu grabs Garreth, and Garreth says something mean about water elementals being better wrestlers. This stuns Mufaqu, so Garreth starts to wiggle his way out until Mufaqu gets his wits back. "I do wrestle better than a water elemental!" Garreth gets out, then grapples Mufaqu back. He yells to stun Mufaqu, then keeps battering him down, at last pushing him into the fluid around the island.

Garreth climbs to his feet and dusts his hands. Mufaqu, still annoyed about the water elemental remark, grants Garreth his wish: to become an even better fighter. They go back into their area in a huff.

Castle Whiterock 3 October 2022: And if you want it, baby, well, you can bleed on me

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

The conflagration worm rears up above us. Veins like red hot wires are near its skin. Garreth lunges forward with Scalemar in hand, and hews through its skin easily. As each blow lands great jets of lava like blood spurt out, splashing over Garreth. He howls in fury, and Polly plunks three arrows into its body. Logan steps and swats at it, hitting its veins, making lava spout out. He smokes a bit, but gets out of the way of the fire, and Bleu casts Blink Other to do likewise for Garreth. I get my crossbow out, and spot Stonemaul. "Stonemaul? Man, have I been smoking some good shit." He focuses his inner strength, becoming tougher.

The worm rears up and slams its head and teeth down at Logan, but he steps back. It swats its tail at Garreth, but Stonemaul shoves his dwarven shield in the way, breaking the awful heat. Garreth steps back and focuses on speeding up, as well as taking a Great Haste from Bleu, while Polly peppers the worm with more arrows. Stonemaul goes in to whack the veins, and gets out of the way of its spurts of hot lava blood. Logan swipes at its veins with his claws, while I also take a shot for the same. We both get out of the way of the firey spurts.

It again rears up then smashes down at Garreth, but he, Polly, Logan, Stonemaul, and Bleu get out of the way, Bleu with a Blink. I step back from the heat. It slaps its tail at Stonemaul, who again blocks it. Garreth hacks at it, hitting it and getting out of the way of the hot blood. Stonemaul again stabs the veins while Garreth takes a slug of a healing potion. Polly runs and shoots, an arrow plunking into the worm and dropping it with a crash.

Garreth reloads my crossbow, then asks Bleu, "Anything worth scavenging from that thing?" She babbles on in great detail about the biological, geological, and commercial impact of the conflagration worm, but it boils down to, "No." Garreth shrugs and takes a swig from the wineskin, healing himself up.

Castle Whiterock 26 September 2022: Roundup

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

Logan wakes up after five days and wrecks half the town. Garreth and I let him run wild, keeping track of him by listening for the screams and crashes every so often. Logan is happily snacking out of the barrel behind a new shop that just opened, "Angie's Amputations and More."

Quintus comes and finds us in a bar. "I finished that herbicide you wanted."

I ask, "Cool, how is it packaged? I mean, is it in a potion, or in a big bag? How do we get it on the plants? Does it kill triffids?"

Quintus brings us back to his shop, and gives us a keg. "Generously slather it on the spellruin ivy."

I ask, "Does it have a bad smell?" I open the keg to take a whiff. It smells bad. Quintus's lawn is wilting.

He tugs on my shoulder. "Hey, close that."

I shut the lid. "I just want to make sure the wolverine doesn't go licking that." Garreth remembers he imbued it with hate, so it is probably not chi friendly. The barrel is lead-lined, so weighs 400 lbs. Garreth sighs and heaves it up on a shoulder with two hands.

Thrognar nods. "So open the barrel and pour down the hole. Does Bleu know how to clean the air?"

Garreth blinks at Bleu. I sigh. "I'm afraid to ask. We'll get a dissertation on Dr. More Oh's clean air for animals." After a moment when nobody says anything, I sigh again. "So, Bleu, what happens when you purify the air?" She gives us a lecture about how the air is scrubbed clean of the miasma as the elementary elements of air are each exercised in turn through a miniature connection to the elemental plane, with diagrams.

We—oh, alright, Garreth—roll the keg and put it in the bag of holding. We then fly to the dungeon, in the hot level. Once there, Garreth strips off his gear, down to armor padding and sets it in a neat pile.  He tells us to cover him, and Thrognar pulls out his greatsword and stands a few yards behind Garreth, while I watch down a hallway with my crossbow out.

Garreth strides up with the keg and pops the lid off. He pours it on the plants and, twelve seconds later, is back, looking a crispy shade of green. Bleu gets the salamander amulet back on him and I give him the bag of healing. Bleu casts Lend Energy on him.

He lies and rests, and we find that the plants die without any monsters finding us. Garreth tells us we should clear the other hole, which we do, Garreth clearing that patch in nine seconds. Then he dons his gear again.

Bleu casts Continual Light on a rock and drops it on top of the ivy to make sure it isn't still alive. As it is still glowing, we go down. She casts Walk on Air and Flight on us, as well as some other spells to help us see in the dark.

A big lake of lava fills this cavern, lighting it in a baleful red glow. Small islets of rock break the surface, offering solid ground. The ceiling is uneven here and marked by long years of volcanic activity, and is well above us. All over the walls grows a kind of ivy with trefoil, serrated leaves. The plant lets out a shifting light like a lit charcoal. Small mats of it even grow on the top of the lava, appearing to feed off the heat.

We fly over a small islet. Thrognar looks down. "Somethings under the lava. Can't be good for us."

A segmented trunk breaks out from the magma, rising fifteen feet in the air before bending back on itself. The blunt head of this titanic worm splits into three sections, each ringed by endless rows of white teeth. Veins like red-hot wires web close to the surface of the monster’s pallid flesh.