Castle Whiterock 9 January 2023: Tiger tales

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

We see a rakshasa sitting on the bed. I ask him, "Hey, there, wanna drink up?"

The rakshasa scowls. "Drink? With you? What makes you think you are worthy to drink with me, intruders who have killed my guards and broken into my sanctum?"

I shrug. "We didn't wanna drink with your guards, man. We wanted the best!"

He pauses. "Have you any duergar stout? It has been so long since a shipment from Narborg arrived."

I turn to Garreth. "Hey, Garreth, got any duergar stout?"

Garreth sighs. "I don't think we have any left, we could go rummage around in the ruins and see what we can find."

Garreth starts looking, but the rakshasa pipes up. "Ah, Gar-Eff and the Murder Hoboes?" He sniffs. "I do not see the point of such frivolities as much, I believe that the truest form of artistic expression is fine oratory" It then goes into ancient speeches of forgotten generals from the past, in the Ancient tongue.

I turn to Bleu. "Bleu, getting all of this?"

Bleu looks at me point blank. "No."

Garreth mutters in Undercommon, "Is he worth being friends with? Music is frivolity? What is that, poetry?"

I say back, "He looks like he knows how to party, man."

The rakshasa says back to us in Undercommon, "Only if you are worthy to be my friends."

I go through the booze in the bag of holding. "Man, we need a liquor cabinet of holding, too."

Stonemaul: chimes in. "The garbage those under-dwarves drink is only fit for setting things on fire. You might be able to get it as a cornucopia of flame-syphon ammo."

The rakshasa cocks an eyebrow. "You know of something far superior?"

Stonemaul says, "I will differ to my compatriots who have a very adventurous pallet to make recommendation."

Garreth shrugs. "I'm less of a connoisseur than a heavy consumer. I like to get drunk but it takes flammable booze by the pint. I'm depressingly sober right now, though. We had a bottle of dwarven firewine a while back that wasn't bad."

I hand over my whiskeyskin. "G, have a little more."

Garreth eyes the tiger thing and shakes his head slowly. "After."

The rakshasa dismisses us with a wave. "Then, depart the way you came, and return only with appropriate gifts, then may I leave you pass."

Garreth asks, "What would we pass to?"

The rakshasa says, "Beyond my realm and into that of the dragon. Also if you run into a medusa, do not slay her, bring her to me bound and you shall be rewarded."

I say, "We don't care about your realm. I mean, it sounds sweet, but it's yours. We care about that dragon. The medusa, not my type. I like being stoned, but not stoned stoned."

Stonemaul nods. "What would your plans be for this medusa?"

The rakshasa smiles. "We've been together for a few centuries now so I think it would you know, as they say, spice things up." He gives Stonemaul a wink.

I give the rakshasa a thumbs-up. "I totally dig the way you think."

Stonemaul says, "So, you're already in a relationship with the medusa and you want to pay us to become third parties to your bedroom play?" He shrugs. "I am OK with that."

The rakshasa adds, "I can gallantly rescue her! It will be fun! I won't even kill you!"

I ask, "How do we all deal with her eyes?"

Stonemaul says, "They do say that if you close off your eyes your other senses are heightened."

The rakshasa scoffs, "Uh, if you intend to deal with the dragon you best be able to handle a medusa. Put a bag over her head?"

I agree. "That works! It works for a medusa or for Bea Arthur!"

Stonemaul sighs. "Well, we were going to have to deal with the medusa anyway, and this seems like a very valid opportunity to introduce some chaos into what seems like a longstanding relationship."

Garreth shrugs. "It's something to discuss and or plan for. We might want to go get a mirrored shield or four."

Stonemaul nods. "If you'd be so kind as to excuse us we'll discuss your offer in detail." He heads back to the barrel of radioactive waste.

The rakshasa nods as well. "Very well, do stop by after you have your little chat"

I tell Logan to stand watch, and we chat among ourselves, as much in Aquan as we can. Stonemaul says, "As I said, we were going to have to deal with the rakshasa and the medusa anyway. Doing this seems to make the job a bit easier. Further, with Zaber's platinum-coated tongue we can most likely simply inform the medusa of the plan, and have her act out the helpless victim, thus avoiding that fight as well."

I gurgle in Aquan, "I, like, know he wants to kill us and will do it when he has a chance, but I like his lifestyle."

Stonemaul says, "I believe you won him over quite well with your speech, and he seemed pretty honest about his offer. I'm totally down if you guys want to just get on with the slaughtering, but having a medusa and rakshasa in our debt seems like it may pay off more than having a few more notches on my sword."

Garreth has Bleu tell us about rakshasas. "So, they are a race of Lawful Evil outsiders. They enjoy power and dominance of a predatory aristocrat, but the lazy indolence and luxury of a cat. They cannot resist the finer things in life, and wield powerful sorcerous magic. They can shapeshift and assume various forms, preferring that of humanoid tigers, but are marked by their reversed hands."

Garreth raises his eyebrow. "Lawful? So they must keep deals?"

Bleu nods. "It does not appear it is a form of demonic contract, but yes, they should in general honor their word. They feel their nobility far exceeds that of lesser races." Garreth asks if they can grant wishes. Bleu says they cannot, but they can craft enchantments.

Stonemaul says, "So, it seems the real question is: how much can we negotiate playing bedroom pixies for?"

Garreth shakes his head. "So, I have a few other concerns. He associated with the slavers. I went a long way out of my way to murder those slavers."

Stonemaul sighs. "Suppose we could ask him what he intends to do after this is all said and done. Get back to the choppin' if it's more slavery."

Garreth shakes his head again. "The association with slavery, then the ask to bring us another creature bound up just rubs me the wrong way. I'll go along with the group on this, but making my concerns heard."

I say, "Will do whatever it takes to get in this cat's doubtless marvelous liquor cabinet."

Garreth chuckles, "Murder gets us there just fine."

Stonemaul says, "How about this? We do like I outlined: Zaber talks to the medusa. So long as she's down for whatever this relationship is, then are are just bedroom pixies facilitating … something. And we get them both to pay us for the troubles."

With that, we set forth for Cillamar again to get mirrored shields.

Castle Whiterock 12 December 2022: Eskimo

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

Polly tries to find Ghost Touch for her rapier, which she does, but cannot find Shatterproof for it also. She gets a new bless, and we go back to Castle Whiterock.

We go back to the room where we fought the djinn, and outside the door, there's a sign. The sign has writing in many languages, including Common, Dwarven, Undercommon, and Elven. I start to read it, and Garreth peers at the sign sounding it out, mouth moving silently. The hair on the back of my neck tingles, I stop reading. "Maybe not read that." The others stop reading it as well.

Garreth glares through his eyelids at the sign while stepping back, sensing with chi. He beckons Logan to him, then rummages in the backpack of holding for his awesome mundane oricalchum sword. Garreth fishes it out and takes note of the sign's location. Logan pants and makes a couple of yipping sounds. "Zaber, get away from there!" Garreth hauls us and the barrel behind the safe rock wall.

Garreth asks Bleu, "If I put a greatsword through the trap, what are the odds I regret it?"

Bleu shrugs. "Sometimes things explode, sometimes they don't." She gives us a detailed accounting of the 1,801 observed objects hit with a greatsword by Twombius the Thwacker, of which 904 exploded

I roll my eyes. "Wake me when she's done." Garreth tosses his sword at the sign, splitting it in two and letting out a blast, far enough away so that nothing hurts us. I takes a swig of whiskey after a hit. "Wow. Cool."

Garreth goes to get his sword. He picks it up and sheathes it, in time to see the doors swing open! "Hey guys, that sign is a heath and safety hazard, imagine if someone fragile had been here."

We see a large three headed white tiger, and I haven't yet taken any mushrooms. "Hello, Kitty!"

Polly moves and takes three shots at the triger and it falls dead. "The three heads and being covered in spiky protrusions plus loud explosions are signs of not being natural, right?" Garreth starts to skin the tiger after a slug from my whiskeyskin, and takes its salamander amulet after the tiger melts.

I takes another swig. "Hey, where's Blah?" I look around, and Bleu comes up from behind us. "Wow, Blah, we didn't notice you were gone!" The door is now open. I go into the room. I see a pair of incongruous stone doors are set into the wall across the surface of the lake. They seem to be unadorned. Intricate tracework of spellruin ivy surrounds the locking mechanisms. "We got any more magical Roundup?"

Garreth nods. "Bleu, let's say you wanted to contain a highly magical creature. Would planting spellruin ivy be a good way to get that done?" Bleu happily babbles on The Care of Magical Creatures, and we learn that trace amounts of spellruin ivy like this would be effective against small but mighty magical creatures such as the Lavender Micro Salamander, but not ones which might be able to physically force it. This would make it tough to use Lockmaster or other magic on the lock.

I sigh. "I think I wanna know what she's on."

Garreth asks, "What if there's a lot more beyond the door?" Bleu gives us many many many details of the Lavender Micro Salamander. According to her, one has big eyes, can set giant amounts of fires even though it is small, and likes blonde princesses and snow. It can control its temperature and makes a great pet if you don't mind it burning down houses, settlements, or woods from time to time.

Garreth sighs. "Bleu, I don't care about the salamander you kept as a pet. I want to know if lots of spellruin ivy could keep larger powerful magical creatures captive."

Bleu says, "Well, this door could stop a Lavender Micro Salamander, which is a powerful magical creature. It would not stop say a a very large elemental."

Garreth asks, "Or a demon?"

Bleu adds, "Possibly the lavender micro salamander could slip under the door, but not through the lock, as you can see the spellruin ivy, though only trace amounts, is very near the lock." Bleu happily babbles on the many and varied demons, of which only less strong ones would be stopped by this.

Garreth strips down to his shirtsleeves waiting till last to remove the amulet. He rushes the door and splatters the hinges and lock with herbicide, killing the ivy. He sets down the barrel and sprints back to the amulet, tossing it on, as well as the rest of his gear.

Bleu keeps babbling, "Now, the Lavender Micro Salamander would be able to melt out the locking mechanism and wiggle through." We also learn that Lavender Micro Salamanders enjoy hot peppers, hot coffee and hot lava baths.

I beckon to Bleu. "Bleu, come here. Smoke this." I light up my joint again and put in her mouth. She smokes it, and soon is telling stories of Lavender Micro Salamanders dancing through the clouds upside down to thin air. She is somewhat less boring. She flies through the air sideways, divorced from the call of gravity. "I'm gonna move her up to shrooms next."

I pick the lock, and the door opens. The path ahead is not rough stone, but rather a smooth corridor decorated with mosaics on all surfaces. The floor and ceiling resemble the delicate scales of a snake, and the walls feature bold designs similar to the pelt of a tiger.

However, Bleu keeps talking. She tells stories about phase serpents and cat snakes from college. "On the first day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the second day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the fourth day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, and on the fifth day I fed a dead rat!" She tells how the dancing clouds elevate the rats soul to the great beyond in the sky. How sad.

I chuckle, "Pretty soon she'll be my kinda woman."

After a few more feet, I make out lights ahead. The tunnel ends in an arched stone door. On either side of the door is a pillar, each mounted with the head of an animal: a tiger on the right and a snake to the left. From each animal’s mouth hands a low-burning, hooded lantern. I go past the doors, down the stairs, and check out the door, which is locked with even more spellruin ivy. I beckon Garreth for more Roundup, and he takes care of it before I pick the lock.

The door opens into a T-shaped room with high ceilings. In the middle of the room is a long table, with costly dishes atop it. Each end has a wooden thrones. Double doors are set into the wall on the other wide, and curtains hide what is beyond to the left and right. I check the left passage, pushing aside a spider silk curtain with a tiger print pattern.

Beyond the curtain is a big bedchamber with a big, four-poster bed fit for a king, a big vanity on the far wall with ribbons and combs all over it, and pillows scattered on floor. The ceiling arches overhead to a height of twenty feet. Checked tiles cover the floors, and smaller tiles make dizzying geometric patterns on the walls.

Lounging on a pillow is a man with a tiger’s pelt and head, and its paw-hands are set on its wrists backwards. It idly looks over at us as we go into the room and then smiles, showing a mouth full of sharp teeth.

I smile with envy. "Man, you have a great life!"

Castle Whiterock 28 November 2022: Whirlwind

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

Garreth concentrates on getting faster. The two big djinn start whirling, tornadoes springing up around them. The wind hammers me but I stay up. Bleu casts Great Haste on Garreth. Polly says, "Hey, these tornados are discriminating against the Elven Way of Life!" She steps and switches from her bow to her rapier and shield. The djinn in back vanishes. I put on my ring and step back.

Garreth surges forward to do violence, and two of his blows land. The djinn says, "You have amazing skill! So fast! But it only tickles!" The other djinn tries to move, but it bonks into me and stops. It looks around, confused. Logan claws it twice. The djinn by Garreth steps forward and lashes out at him with flashing flaming steel, but Garreth parries. Polly smacks away with her rapier the other djinn. Something happens and it sweeps up. I try to slip under its legs, but cannot get through.

Logan claws it twice.

Garreth keeps swinging Scalemar, and another four of his blows land. Bleu casts Great Haste on Polly. Polly steps and attackw, and keeps shredding the djinn. It looks like it is still hurt a bit and only looks mostly happy and healthy. Garreth asks what is happening and Bleu says, "It appears that the smaller one which vanished earlier cast Major Healing." Garreth swears in three languages. I get past the djinn, and Logan waits for one to come in reach.

Garreth remembers the awesome Ghost Touch Long Knife. He growls and spins suddenly, shoving his hand into the handy haversack. The djinn looks puzzled. "What's that? A knife?"

Garreth spins around and greatly wounds it. It drops its falchion and looks greatly wounded. Garreth grins wickedly. "I can murder you now." Garreth's blade somehow turns aside just moments before it connects, but the djinn now seems bereft of protection. Garreth glares. "Deprived of my rightful prey."

The other djinn says, "Awww, I wanted to squash the stupid green blonde elf." Garreth yells, stunning the djinn hear him. It pounds Garreth, knocking him to the ground. Polly whacks away at the other djinn, and only nicks it. The wounds on the djinn by Garreth suddenly heal. I step and look for the invisible foe.

Garreth digs into his potion belt to fast draw and quaffs two healing potions, and kips up. The djinn sneers. "I hit you once I can hit you again! Hiding behind the elfy welfy? I guess I'll smash her first! It tries to smash Polly, who looks like she is about to fall as she steps back, but somehow takes no wounds. The other one tries to slam Polly. She blocks, and then it tries to whack at her skill twice with a fist of air and flame but misses. She whacks back at it, hitting five times. Logan likewise claws at the djinn, and I keep looking for the invisible djinn.

Garreth slashes up the djinn, and it poofs back to its home. Garreth roars in defiance the other djinn and stabs, but it parries his knife. Bleu steps and casts See Invisible on herself. The djinn starts to move, and Garreth roars in defiance at it again. It again parries his knife. It starts to move again just as Polly hits it before going off balance. I keep looking.

Logan gets between Bleu and any foes. She steps and casts See Invisible on me, and I see the caster a couple of yards in front of me. It doesn't look like it sees me. Garreth roars in defiance at the djinn he can see and stabs but misses. He roars again and again, stunning it. Polly whacks away and hits it four times. The caster says, "He's beat up and he's stunned? I could cast Major Healing or Awaken, but  … So long and thanks for all the mermaid skeletons!" And it poofs.

I say, "Oh, heck with it, I'll stab this guy in the eye," and I do that to the last djinn, but it doesn't hurt it much.

Garreth asks, "Bleu, can this thing grant wishes if we spare it?"

Bleu shakes her head. "No, only the stronger ones can do that"

Garreth shrugs and chooses to murder it. He drops his knife, then grumbles and switches back to Scalemar. He yells again, and takes it down.

I feel a twinge, and move down a small tunnel. Atop the frozen lavafall, I find a small recess – clearly part of a large lava tube that has been sealed off. A natural flow ledge makes a passable bench along the right wall, and the djinn were playing a game of cards on it when we came. A few thousand gold and several gems are stacked neatly in three piles.

Castle Whiterock 7 November 2022: Dem bones

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

I tell Garreth and Polly that I have to see this portal, and they tell me to go for it. I go to the northeast and see my new friends hacking at the spell ruin ivy with their sickles. Fadulla tells me to keep following the lava. So I follow the lava stream up a sloped tunnel and come to a small cave. The lava stream comes out of a blazing hole and twists the outline of the cave. It feels warm and toasty even with my salamander amulet.

I ask Mufaqu, "How easy is the trip? It just like walking through the door of a pub or something?"  Mufaqu says it is, as well as going back, so I try it. My choice to go through lasts only a split second. I hold myself back as something seems wrong. It seems really neat, but I felt like I was starting to catch on fire. "Something tells me I gotta hold back for now, as cool—er, sweet—as the idea sounds."

Garreth tells me that I have to learn self-control, then shows the efreet the spellruin herbicide, which greatly speeds the hacking away at the spellruin ivy that the efreet are doing. Mufaqu tries it, looks impressed then gives it back. "That is wild! Do you want to trade it for the sickle?" Garreth holds off on any trade for the moment, even though Fadulla ups his offer for real alchemist's fire ("not just that puny human stuff"), as we need to get more.

So I go back and fly over the island and hot lava, and am now over land again. The ceiling has strange stalactites that look like frozen liquid rock, with a six foot crack in it. At the end of the tunnel is a hardened lavafall that goes up about thirty feet. There is a cave mouth at the top of it, so I fly down the it, and turn left when the tunnel does. I can see that this tunnel was once in an old lava lake, but it is now cooled and hard. At the end of the tunnel are two stone doors, locked when I check.

I check out the walls, and see there are fish bones frozen in it, as well as a mermaid's bones. I send Logan to get the others, who brings them back after an oddly long stall. "Took ya long enough! Did you stop for dinner or something?"

Garreth boggles. "It's not like I speak death weasel."

I sigh. "Oh, he's not just running up to you for food. I mean, he is running up to you for food, but there's more, y'know?"

Polly looks. "Whoa, I didn't know fish were in walls." I show her the mermaid bones as well.

Then I pick the lock to the doors. It swings open, and I see two big, red-skinned humanoids, with tails of tornadoes, and a smaller one behind them.

I say to the djinn, "Wow, hey there. You know there's mermaid bones out here, right?"

Castle Whiterock 17 October 2022: You're the best around, nothing's gonna ever keep you down

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

More of the magic-foiling ivy grows here in a thick mass, coating all surfaces of the tunnel and making it hard to move around. We see a steady light up ahead. We hear what sounds like loud fire sounds with hissing and cracking and popping. But it seems to have meter and pattern as if it was speech.

Garreth throws vials with the herbicide, and tosses them at the spell-ruin ivy. As he tosses the vials, I look up. "Wait a minute. First I think I see Thrognar, then Stonemaul, then Thrognar." I look down at his flask. "What's in this?"

Garreth slings the sack over his shoulder, and I say he should ask his sword about the din. Garreth tells us that it's akin to the red dialect of Chromatic, but not the same. So Bleu casts Gift of Tongues on me, and I put on my ring and go to listen.

The first voice says, "Hey, there are interesting noises! Maybe it is something interesting we can twist into a pretzel!"

Another voice says, "Probably like more fire tiger things."

The first voice says, "Man, I wanna go to the Bleak Theater."

The other voice says, "Eventually, eventually."

The first voice says, "I heard the Impressario was getting Gar-Eff and the Murderhoboes in concert!"

The other voice says, "Yeah, and those drow were cute! I wonder what fun things they can do with Web!"

A deeper voice says, "Whatever. The noises might be dangerous."

The first voice says, "Bah, you worry too much!"

The deep voice says, "It's my job to worry."

I go back and say to Garreth that he should put on a concert. Garreth starts singing a traditional drow song about murdering your mother to steal her chair or something in Undercommon, and Logan barks along.

The first voice says, in Undercommon, "What amazing singing!" Two overgrown, humanoid creatures come flying out, accompanied by a third clamping along. Two have small horns protruding from their head and wear baggy, purple pantaloons over their bright red skin. The third is a fearsome warrior, with plate armor and a long glaive at the ready. His black skin and fiery red hair mark him as a giant common to climates such as these.

The second red one says, in Undercommon, "Oh my God, it's Gar-Eff!" Garreth keeps singing how both mother and daughter are betrayed by a third party who also wants the chair, then bares his teeth.

The first red one says, "There's Polly and Ibizaber and Logan, but where are Seep and Eli?"

I say, "They went solo."

The first red one asks, "So what are you doing down here? Are you going to tour the Plane of Fire?"

Garreth says, "We're mostly looking for a way down to the dragon. We owe him a visit."

I add, "We can tour, too, however. What are the venues?"

The first red one says, "Just right this way to the Plane of Fire! Through the Portal, up the River of Magma, and you will be at the Palace of Fa'al'zaqan, Lord of the Efreet!"

I say, "Wow, that sounds like a helluva place to play!"

The first red one says, "It is the BEST venue in all the planes of existence!"

I say, "It would have to be with a name like Fa'al'zaqan."

Garreth says, "I didn't know we could get there from here. Although I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose."

The first red one says, "No, it is EASY! It is right this way!"

The other red one says, "Yes, we could show you the portal"

Garreth nods. "Why not? We can't visit today, but it can't hurt to know the way. Might I know your names?"

The first red one says, "I am Mufaqu and this is Fadulla." They bow. The giant says nothing. Garreth bows, then eyes the giant and raises one eyebrow slightly. Mufaqu says, "Oh, he is a mere janissary guard, of no importance. Not like us noble efreeti."

I say, "Well, we've never meet such esteemed efreeti before."

They swell with pride. Fadulla says, "We have not had visitors come to serenade us in our place of work before, where we long labor at hacking the accursed ivy!"

We hash out the details about the Plane of Fire, talking about the important things: our salamander amulets, magma, things being safe for mustelids, fine fire elementals candied with "delicious chocolate and undead peppers crust" and "caster sugar made with real casters," and, of course, booze. Garreth and Mufaqu agree to have a friendly wrestling match, with Mufaqu enlarging Garreth to make a fair fight. If Garreth wins, he gets a wish, and if Mufaqu wins, we agree to do a gig at Mufaqu's noble villa.

I take a swig before the fight. "In one corner, we have the master of flame Mufaqu! In the other corner, we have Gar-Eff, hopped up on steroids!" Mufaqu tries to grab Garreth, but he steps aside and concentrates on speeding up. Mufaqu again tries to grab Garreth after a feint, but Garreth steps back. He tries some kung fu moves and falls down, but leaps back up. 

Mufaqu grabs Garreth, and Garreth says something mean about water elementals being better wrestlers. This stuns Mufaqu, so Garreth starts to wiggle his way out until Mufaqu gets his wits back. "I do wrestle better than a water elemental!" Garreth gets out, then grapples Mufaqu back. He yells to stun Mufaqu, then keeps battering him down, at last pushing him into the fluid around the island.

Garreth climbs to his feet and dusts his hands. Mufaqu, still annoyed about the water elemental remark, grants Garreth his wish: to become an even better fighter. They go back into their area in a huff.

Castle Whiterock 3 October 2022: And if you want it, baby, well, you can bleed on me

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

The conflagration worm rears up above us. Veins like red hot wires are near its skin. Garreth lunges forward with Scalemar in hand, and hews through its skin easily. As each blow lands great jets of lava like blood spurt out, splashing over Garreth. He howls in fury, and Polly plunks three arrows into its body. Logan steps and swats at it, hitting its veins, making lava spout out. He smokes a bit, but gets out of the way of the fire, and Bleu casts Blink Other to do likewise for Garreth. I get my crossbow out, and spot Stonemaul. "Stonemaul? Man, have I been smoking some good shit." He focuses his inner strength, becoming tougher.

The worm rears up and slams its head and teeth down at Logan, but he steps back. It swats its tail at Garreth, but Stonemaul shoves his dwarven shield in the way, breaking the awful heat. Garreth steps back and focuses on speeding up, as well as taking a Great Haste from Bleu, while Polly peppers the worm with more arrows. Stonemaul goes in to whack the veins, and gets out of the way of its spurts of hot lava blood. Logan swipes at its veins with his claws, while I also take a shot for the same. We both get out of the way of the firey spurts.

It again rears up then smashes down at Garreth, but he, Polly, Logan, Stonemaul, and Bleu get out of the way, Bleu with a Blink. I step back from the heat. It slaps its tail at Stonemaul, who again blocks it. Garreth hacks at it, hitting it and getting out of the way of the hot blood. Stonemaul again stabs the veins while Garreth takes a slug of a healing potion. Polly runs and shoots, an arrow plunking into the worm and dropping it with a crash.

Garreth reloads my crossbow, then asks Bleu, "Anything worth scavenging from that thing?" She babbles on in great detail about the biological, geological, and commercial impact of the conflagration worm, but it boils down to, "No." Garreth shrugs and takes a swig from the wineskin, healing himself up.

Castle Whiterock 26 September 2022: Roundup

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

Logan wakes up after five days and wrecks half the town. Garreth and I let him run wild, keeping track of him by listening for the screams and crashes every so often. Logan is happily snacking out of the barrel behind a new shop that just opened, "Angie's Amputations and More."

Quintus comes and finds us in a bar. "I finished that herbicide you wanted."

I ask, "Cool, how is it packaged? I mean, is it in a potion, or in a big bag? How do we get it on the plants? Does it kill triffids?"

Quintus brings us back to his shop, and gives us a keg. "Generously slather it on the spellruin ivy."

I ask, "Does it have a bad smell?" I open the keg to take a whiff. It smells bad. Quintus's lawn is wilting.

He tugs on my shoulder. "Hey, close that."

I shut the lid. "I just want to make sure the wolverine doesn't go licking that." Garreth remembers he imbued it with hate, so it is probably not chi friendly. The barrel is lead-lined, so weighs 400 lbs. Garreth sighs and heaves it up on a shoulder with two hands.

Thrognar nods. "So open the barrel and pour down the hole. Does Bleu know how to clean the air?"

Garreth blinks at Bleu. I sigh. "I'm afraid to ask. We'll get a dissertation on Dr. More Oh's clean air for animals." After a moment when nobody says anything, I sigh again. "So, Bleu, what happens when you purify the air?" She gives us a lecture about how the air is scrubbed clean of the miasma as the elementary elements of air are each exercised in turn through a miniature connection to the elemental plane, with diagrams.

We—oh, alright, Garreth—roll the keg and put it in the bag of holding. We then fly to the dungeon, in the hot level. Once there, Garreth strips off his gear, down to armor padding and sets it in a neat pile.  He tells us to cover him, and Thrognar pulls out his greatsword and stands a few yards behind Garreth, while I watch down a hallway with my crossbow out.

Garreth strides up with the keg and pops the lid off. He pours it on the plants and, twelve seconds later, is back, looking a crispy shade of green. Bleu gets the salamander amulet back on him and I give him the bag of healing. Bleu casts Lend Energy on him.

He lies and rests, and we find that the plants die without any monsters finding us. Garreth tells us we should clear the other hole, which we do, Garreth clearing that patch in nine seconds. Then he dons his gear again.

Bleu casts Continual Light on a rock and drops it on top of the ivy to make sure it isn't still alive. As it is still glowing, we go down. She casts Walk on Air and Flight on us, as well as some other spells to help us see in the dark.

A big lake of lava fills this cavern, lighting it in a baleful red glow. Small islets of rock break the surface, offering solid ground. The ceiling is uneven here and marked by long years of volcanic activity, and is well above us. All over the walls grows a kind of ivy with trefoil, serrated leaves. The plant lets out a shifting light like a lit charcoal. Small mats of it even grow on the top of the lava, appearing to feed off the heat.

We fly over a small islet. Thrognar looks down. "Somethings under the lava. Can't be good for us."

A segmented trunk breaks out from the magma, rising fifteen feet in the air before bending back on itself. The blunt head of this titanic worm splits into three sections, each ringed by endless rows of white teeth. Veins like red-hot wires web close to the surface of the monster’s pallid flesh.

Castle Whiterock 19 September 2022: Mopping up turtle guts

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

Garreth wails on the turtle, but only one blow hits, and only its shell. Polly shoots at its skull thrice. I keep flying away from it, clutching Bleu. "Don't think I do this for any elf woman!" When the dragon turtle sticks its head out to strike again, Garreth splits open its skull, and it falls to the ground, going faster than I am with Bleu.

We all get down and, after she snaps to reality again, gives Bleu eight swigs from the wineskin after taking one himself. Garreth and Polly start skinning the dragon turtle, while Bleu and I fly back to Cillamar to look for a surgeon, as we want to harvest the dragon turtle's organs. We meet a fetching woman named Angie, who agrees to help us for half the money. We agree, and Bleu casts Flight on her and we go to join the others. While the others do work, I look for the dragon turtle's lair, and find it underwater.

Bleu casts Water Breathing and Swimming on us, then we check out the lair. There are two scarabs there. Garreth asks Bleu about them, and she says, "Ah, yes, these are Guardian Scarabs, they are not actually gold, they are powerful golems with many sense effects but not invincible, they are not very valuable. They are very dumb." Hearing this, Garreth kites away the scarabs with a harpoon while the rest of us gather the treasure.

The treasure is a big pile of money, gems, and jewelry. Therein is also a gold bulette statue, a platinum scepter tipped with emeralds, a ring of force, a ring that can store one charged spell, a mighty magical dwarven greataxe, bracers of armor, a horn that can summon fog, and a sapphire that when crushed will summon a Dire Water Elemental.

Game log 18 September 2022: Ganging up

Personae dramatis

Grignok, orc druid often in panther shape
Felcanis, elf cleric
Honsou, larcenous bowman

Mēnévē, broken-nosed fighter (NPC)

Quid occurrit

The heroes walk through the balrog's lair and find there is no balrog therein. They go through the tunnels, past the well, and into the room with the carvings. They turn to the left to look at the pillars in the middle of the room, and see that beyond them there is a double door, and two folks with swords, shields, and armor. One of them yells, "Hey, who the hell are you?"

Grignok roars, and the two fighters start walking warily towards the gang. Grignok runs to the shadows, and gets a better look once nearer. One is a paunchy woman with a craggy face, wavy black hair over her ears, tattooed forearms, and a shortsword. The other is a barrel-chested man with short, bushy, dark brown hair, bulging blue eyes, an earlobe cut off, and a broadsword. The woman yells, "You're gonna regret being assholes, y'know!"

Everyone starts pulling out weapons and getting nearer, with Grignok moving behind the two. Felcanis tries to cast Command on the woman fighter, but she's too far away to get it to work, so he casts Armor on Honsou instead. Honsou steps around the pillar, aiming at the woman, and Mēnévē, once near enough, yells, "Fut du du dirbate sat o' shid!" and swings her warhammer into the woman's shield.

The woman sneers. "Imma get you, you know?" She steps and tries to stab Mēnévē in her face, but she steps away. The man walks towards Grignok. Honsou keeps aiming, as Mēnévē blocks his way, as she has stepped back to ready her warhammer. Grignok rushes towards the woman and claws her in the back of the skull.

Amazingly, the woman doesn't drop from the goring, and instead spins and stabs Grignok in his face. Mēnévē yells,  "Fuddin bitz!" as she puts her warhammer into the woman's flank from behind and pulls it back. Honsou shoots at the woman but misses, and Grignok bites her face, dropping her.

The man yells, "NOOOOOOO!" charges to hit Grignok's neck, but Grignok steps away. Honsou gets out another arrow while Mēnévē tries to put her warhammer in his side, but it gets caught in his shield. Grignok claws his sword arm twice, crippling it and making him drop his sword. Felcanis casts Command on him but it fails as she is too far away.

The man tries to kick Grignok in the face but Grignok steps back, and he falls down. Honsou steps and shoots him in the innards. Mēnévē steps up, leaving her pick in, tries to kick his balls but misses. Grignok bites him twice. The man starts to wiggle arm out of his shield. Honsou runs up to him, pulls out his sword, and tries to slash him but misses. Mēnévē kicks his face. "Dum muddafudda!" Grignok bites him twice, crippling his shield arm.

The man lies there, unable to do anything other than spit defiantly at the heroes, who aren't acting too heroic. Honsou keeps missing with his sword and Mēnévē keeps missing with her face stomps, falling. "Fud!" Grignok bites him again and again, killing him.

They loot the bodies. The man has heavy leather armor, a broadsword, a medium shield, and four javelins. The woman has the same other than her sword, which is a shortsword, which Felcanis feels is magical. She also has a potion. Felcanis casts Stop Bleeding on Grignok. Honsou kills the woman, who is still breathing until this.

Three PCs beat up on a hapless foe.

They rest for a short time. They check the double doors, find they have no traps, and Honsou easily picks the lock. The smell is dusty there, no dampness in it. The hallway splits, so they walk left, and find alcoves with sarcophagi therein. Honsou pushes open the lid to a sarcophagus, and inside there's … dust. They walk down the other hallway and find more sarcophagi. Honsou thinks these all have nothing but dust, so they leave them alone and leave the dungeon.

They find themselves outside in the afternoon, so they start heading towards town. After hiking for an hour, Grignok coughs a little when he catches a sudden burst of perfume, akin to Chanel No. 5 but sweeter. Up ahead is a man-sized flower with waxy white petals. Honsou guesses the smell comes from the flower, so he starts walking towards it.

Grignok thinks the flower is a vampire blossom, which dulls its victims' feelings to sleep with its perfume, then moves over them and drains their blood, making its petals turn red. He casts Beast Speech and asks the plant, "Can you not please, master plant?"

The vampire blossom says back, "Must feed on beast blood."

Grignok says, "We can bring you something better to munch on"

The vampire blossom says again, "Must feed on beast blood."

All the while, Honsou, knife drawn, keeps walking towards the plant, even though he starts to feel dizzy. He makes it to the plant, and slashes its stem. Felcanis casts Sunbolt, getting an easy-to-guide one. She throws it at the plant, burning it greatly. The plant swats its petal and hurts him. It wraps its petal around him, starting to drain his blood. He tries to wiggle out, but cannot.

As the vampire blossom drains Honsou of blood and senses, making him pass out after a few seconds, Grignok casts Lightning and Felcanis casts a bigger Sunbolt. Alas, Grignok's Lightning bolt doesn't burn it as much as he hoped, while Felcanis's Sunbolt misses it wholly. Grignok tries to grab the plant but cannot, but it lets go of Honsou after Felcanis's next Sunbolt burns it greatly.

Castle Whiterock 12 September 2022: Ghost in the shell

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer
Thrognar, half-orc holy warrior

What they did

We fly over the lake shore and I hear something very quiet and stealthy trying to move up behind Garreth. "Man, Garreth, something is trying to sneak up on you and it's frigging lame."

Polly asks, "Oh, is this the return of Flitwick?"

Garreth spins and focuses on his speed, and Bleu is casts Great Haste on Garreth. Polly moves behind him. I hear a gentle dripping sound, like rainfall, and I put on my ring. 

Garreth spots the oncoming monster, which we can see is some kind of fast, blurry dragon turtle. We move away as it tries and fails to bite Garreth. It swats at Logan and Polly with its flipper foreclaws but misses both. It also tries to hit Logan and Thrognar with its rear flippers but they step back. A lightning bolt comes into being and misses Garreth. Bleu Blinks away from its tail.

It spins in place and tries to hit us again, and we get out of the way. It tries to claw Logan and misses, but it bites and grabs him in its maw. Its other foreflipper swings at Bleu but misses. Its other flippers try to hit Thrognar and Polly but he parries and she retreats, while its tail misses Garreth.

Thrognar channels godly might. Garreth asks his sword, "Alright, Scalemar, gimme the goods on how to party with the dragon turtle?" After a split second, he chops at its head, hitting it before it puts its head back in its shell, but it swats away his sword and makes it turn in his hand. Bleu casts Great Haste on herself and steps. Polly shoots three arrows at the dragon turtle but misses, and it ignores Logan flailing in its bite. I stab it in the eye and step upwards. It starts to strike back at us, but Garreth hits it in the skull twice before it can.

It flails about trying to smash everyone, and we get out of the way, with Bleu Blinking. It pushes Logan into its maw, but he suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke. I cringe, but I know he's alright and going to come back in the bag in a few days, angry at this. The dragon's tail and both back flippers swat at Garreth, but he batters it away, as well as the lightning bolt it shoots at him. It tries to bite and claw Thrognar, but he parries both of them. It tries to swat at Bleu but misses, and misses me when I step away.

It spins again with its spiked shell, and we all get out of the way. It shoots a lightning bolt at Garreth, hitting him, and he yells, "Dragon, you've merely increased my capacity for ale! I do dearly love ale." Then it whirls again, with all of us getting away other than Bleu, who clutches her belly. It tries to bite Garreth but he parries, tries to claw Thrognar but he retreats, misses Polly with its flipper, and Garreth parries its tail. Its flipper claws Bleu, but Thrognar activates the Protector's Run to keep her from hurting. It then shoots a lightning bolt at her, stunning her.

Thrognar hits its skull thrice before it can snap away, while Garreth hits it as well before he lands three more on the shell. He hisses at it, "Foolish dragon, you are doomed!" which stuns it. Polly shoots its skull, and she lands with her third shot. I fly towards Bleu to get her out of the way. Garreth whacks its shell again.

The dragon turtle flails around, missing all of us, then tries to hit Garreth with its back flippers and tail. Its tail instead misses Garreth and hits the water hard. It swats at me and misses, at Thrognar who parries, and bites at Polly and she gets out of the way. It shoots a big blast of water at Garreth, knocking him back. It swats at me again, hitting me and … no, wait, it misses somehow. It swats at both Garreth and Thrognar, who parry, and at me, and I move away. Its tail swats at Polly but misses, and a lightning bolt flies past Garreth. It gets blurrier, but Thrognar hits its shell anyways.