The murderhoboes
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
What they did
Bleu casts Dark Vision on me, and then fires up Continual Light for the rest of the group. After a short rest that's too long for Polly, we head northeast. There, the cavern bends around a corner and comes to an end. Twenty feet above us is an opening to a higher tunnel. Three odd shapes are up there, like figures tied to large stakes or iron rods driven into the ground. We can make out tattered, feathered wings spread wide like butterflies in a collector’s case. Beneath and to the side of the promontory is a downward-sloping tunnel.
Thrognar flies up and gets a nearer look at the shapes. At the top of the incline, the tunnel levels off into a headland that overlooks the large cavern we just left. There are five tattered bodies bound or stabbed on iron stakes at the fore of the headland. Suddenly, one of them jolts awkwardly forward!
Thrognar says that they're angel effigies, made out of twisted celestial bodies. "They're mindless constructs! Don't hold back thinking you can save these poor creatures."
Polly goes to shoot over Logan at one angel effigy from behind, but her three arrows do little to it. Thrognar meditates, while the effigies take flight.
I get a good look at them, and I get a mushroom flashback. "Holy cow, those are three Ted Cruzes!"
One flying Ted Cruz turns into Ice Cube and sends a flaming pentagram under Mikal, Garreth, and Bleu. Mikal gets out of the way of most of the flame, but it still burns him greatly. Garreth pushes Bleu out of the way, and takes a nasty burn and rot, leading to a bunch of swearing and a bad smell as smoke comes from his eyes. One of the Ted Cruzes turns into Emmanuel Steward and tries to hit Thrognar twice, but he parries both blows. Another Ted Cruz turns into Mark McGwire and shoots a bolt of lightning at Thrognar and Polly. Polly gets out of the way, but Thrognar takes a jolt, turning him into a flaming Ronda Rousey. Mark McGwire flies past Ronda Rousey and tries to slam into Polly, but she gets out of the way. Polly's skin starts turning puce.
And they start changing again. I yell out to see if the others can help. "Garreth stop that smoke from coming out of your eyes and look because Ice Cube is turning into Emily Dickinson and Emanuel Steward is turning into Mike Tyson from the cartoon and Mark McGwire is turning into Gillian Anderson! And Thrognar looks like Ronda Rousey but only on fire!"
Garreth looks at me with smoke coming out of his eyes. Not figuratively, but smoke really coming out of his eyes. "Common, little drunkard. Do you speak it?"
Logan runs into the back of Gillian Anderson as the last of the Cardinals uniform of Mark McGwire falls off, but steps away with a hurt nose. "No, Logan, get away, Gillian Anderson is turning into the Hedgehog!" I swear I see Logan shake his head at me. Mikal casts a Holy Sunbolt, drawing on the might of his goddess to smite these abominations with a coruscating blast as he steps toward the opening. Garreth swears, likely feeling the pain of the smoke, steps from the pentagram, and quickly pulls out and drinks a potion. Some of the smoke and rot go away. Bleu steps away from the circle and casts Great Haste on herself.
Polly flies up to shoot Emily Dickinson in the side with cutting arrows. Throgna Rousey also starts hitting cartoon Mike Tyson. Tyson wards off the first blow with a shroud of unholy darkness, but it is now bare to Thrognar's blow and he starts to struggle. Logan grows a blonde bob on his head. I cry out, "No, Logan, don't turn into Kate Gosselin! You can't speak to the manager of the dungeon!" Dickinson swings and misses at Polly, but follows up with a lightning zap of Polly, stunning her. Mike Tyson tries to slug Thrognar but Thrognar parries, then zaps Polly and him with lightning. Gillian Anderson lands, and Logan gets out of her way. She gazes at Bleu and Garreth, then sends a firey pentagram under them. Bleu steps out of the fire but drops from the fire and rot; Garreth takes the pain. Mikal throws his maximized holy Sunbolt at Emily Dickinson, zapping her.
Logan steps and swipes twice with his claws at the side flank of Gillian Anderson, who is skeptical that any hurt got through. Garreth decides to focus on speed, and Polly snaps back from stunning. Thrognar swings twice at cartoon Mike Tyson, and splits him in half with the second blow. Emily Dickinson slugs Polly, then blasts a stroke of lightning towards Mikal, who blocks the blow with his shield. Gillian Anderson sprouts wings and tries to grab Garreth, who parries, then she misses him and Mikal with a stroke of lightning.
Gillian Anderson keeps ignoring Logan Gosselin clawing at her, and Mikal moves around the pentagram. Garreth starts chopping at Gillian Anderson, who takes a few blows but somehow stays up. Polly peppers Emily Dickinson with arrows, the last giving her a spiderweb of cracks, making her fall. Thrognar steps and swings at Gillian Anderson, hurting her more but not dropping her. She steps and kicks at Logan Gosselin as she flies away, then shoots lightning at Thrognar and Polly. Thrognar takes the hurting, but Polly falls over.
As I see Polly fall, things start to look sharp again. Gillian Anderson (and the bodies of Emily Dickinson and cartoon Mike Tyson) turns back into an angel effigy, Ronda Rousey turns back into Thrognar, Polly goes back to her normal hue, and the blonde bob on Logan falls to the ground. Mikal and Logan rush towards the angel effigy that was Gillian Anderson only a tick before, and Logan's claw misses it. Garreth puts two blows into the angel effigy's back, taking it down.
Garreth swoops over to check on Bleu, while I rush over to Polly. "If you die, Polly, I swear I'll stop the shrooms!" Garreth pours some of the grog in the wineskin of healing into Bleu's mouth, and she stands after a few glugs. Logan keeps licking Polly's face until Garreth pours some of the healing grog down her throat.
Thrognar shuts his eyes, and makes himself heroic until Garreth gets the bag to him for healing. He wipes the potion off his chin after guzzling most of the bag, then stands up a little woozy from so much potion. "Thank you.
I look through the bodies of the angels, and find they have celestial cloth. Bleu babbles that we can make the cloth into armor, and Thrognar lays the bodies of the angels to rest in the holy area. From there, we go back to town.
The rest
The unreliable narrator failed a Fright Check and was useless for the battle, so I chose to call it a mushroom flashback. I was rolling random celebrities for this, though I chose both Ted Cruz and Mark McGwire for reasons I cannot understand.
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