Monday, August 2, 2021

19 July 2021 Whiterock: How's it going, Royal Ugly Dude?

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Killing is our business … and business is good!

From the banter at the nightly parties, I hear that Evil Edwardil was recently slain by owlbears as he was trying to explore Castle Whiterock. It seems he kept trying to summon dretches but none appeared to save him. This gives Garreth and me a chuckle, not a tear. Edwardil was a dick who spoiled parties and couldn't hold his booze anyways.

Garreth and I gather Polly and Bleu to set off for Demonhold. I send Logan to sniff out Thrognar, Stonemaul, and Mikal, but he instead leads me to their church. I didn't think what we did the other night was so bad, but if they have to confess, oh well. Pity they can't come with us now.

Stonemaul and Mikal not being with means Bleu doesn't have to cast as many spells, so she casts Flight on everyone, and Dark Vision on everyone but Polly, who doesn't need it. She does get See Invisible to see me.

We float through the halls of Demonhold like ninjas, and Bleu casts See Invisible so she can see me while I wear my ring. I chuckle once Bleu agrees, and look down at Logan. "OK, Logan, don't do that thing we talked about to Blah's robes."

After a few twists and turns through the tunnels, something doesn't feel right. I hold up my hand and whisper, "Something isn't good, Polly."

Polly looks around. "I don't see anything."

I call to Logan. "Logan, come up and take a whiff." He comes up to me and takes a smell, but doesn't smell anything. I, however, see some sparkly stuff all the way across the room at end of vision. I tell him to guard the wizard again, then look harder: it's coins. I point this out to Polly, who offers to shoot it, though I tell her to hold her fire for the moment. Still, there's something wrong about this.

Garreth looks carefully up at the roof and around at the side hallways. He sees some rubble, but no critters. I take a step forward to check it out, and all of the sudden, nasty ghostly forms start reaching out towards everyone! They shake us to our cores and stun us, but we know they are but illusions of ethereal cows.

Bleu falls anyways. We all take a drink from the wineskin, healing us. I no longer have my bad feeling.

Polly says, "Owww, the Ethereal Cow tried to avenge all the milk I had with cookies!" She glares at where the Ethereal Cow once was. Garreth asks Bleu what that was, and she, after some babbling, calls it a Weird, and has no idea who cast it. She also talks about "Von Floepelheim's Guide to Seemingly Useful But Not Really Cantrips," "Dell'Orto's Unattended Trap Premise," and "Vance's Classification System of the Old Wifflein Catalog once used by the Great Bookwyrm," none of which mean a damn thing to us.

Luckily, as she babbles, I hear loud slobbery voices in an unknown tongue on the other side of the room. I fly ahead and check it out, spotting a quasit and, behind it, a patchwork curtain made from the stitched flesh of angels, devils, and demons. As the quasit is looking at something over a cliff to the east, I see a demon that looks like a fat ape mixed with a boar and wearing a cape, with a beautiful woman with big wings. 

It sees me. I say, "See you later, Royal Ugly Dude!" then fly back. "We have company!" Polly flies up and shoots at the quasit, and it bursts into icky green goo.

The Royal Ugly Dude flaps its way up the cliff and screams, "You peasants! You Prime Material Knaves! I was TELLING A STORY!" It shoots lightning at Polly and me, though we get out of the way.

I step behind Polly and take off my ring. Polly says, "You're right, Zaber, it is ugly!" Garreth yells at Bleu to hasten him. Logan rushes forward, and Polly shoots at the Royal Ugly Dude, but it dodges all of them. The Royal Ugly Dude follows us into the tunnel, and in a burst of rainbow hues it widens the hallway to let it through. This also sends lightning bolts flying at us, which we dodge. It also swings its axe at me, but misses.

Polly yells, "Hey, there are more little green guys behind the Big Pig! They're invisible!" I tell Logan to run under the Royal Ugly Dude, which he does, and sniffs out the quasits on the other side. I briefly think of getting out of here with the succubus, but I change my mind.

F'thirya flits in. "I see that thou hast finally decided that thou shalt test thy mettle and strive forthwith against the Great Balfosa!" Garreth blinks, and bids Bleu to cast Great Haste on F'thirya.

Polly tries to put bodkin arrows in Balfosa's eyes, but he dodges the arrows. It hurls its tusks at Polly and me, but we get out of the way of them. Then, a nasty, sickening cloud of vile darkness billows out from Balfosa but does not touch anyone, but instead curses where it is for the gods. Then, a big rainbow cloud it was gathering bursts outwards. Polly stands like an idiot, looking at the rainbow, while Bleu starts babbling about how great it is to stand next to F'thirya.

Logan starts clawing at a quasit and it bursts apart when he claws it. He looks upset at the other quasit's cowardice, and runs after it. Bleu casts Great Haste on F'thirya, who says, "Thank thee, one that is called Blah."

Bleu gives me a look.

Garreth hears the little soft flappy sounds of quasit wings, but instead runs up to Balfosa and can't hit him with many blows until his last one, when Scalemar bites deep and Balfosa feels it squealing with pain and rage like a stuck pig. "How dare you prick my Royal Flesh you dastardly serf!" it screams, and Garreth feels himself weaken. Garreth then shouts at Balfosa, stunning him.

Garreth asks F'thirya for help, as he can't do it again, and F'thirya says she can take care of Balfosa if Garreth weakens him enough. Garreth asks Bleu if Nalfeshnee have brains, which she says they do, albeit deep in the skull. Garreth hacks through his skull and his sword hits brain.

The succubus has had enough. "What STUBBORN MEN! Why Balfosa, baby, I think you are dying. Toodles!" With that, she leaves. "Buh-bye, big and green baby!" Balfosa is stunned and does not say anything. F'thirya zaps Balfosa with eight bolts of heat, and he only dodges one of them.

Polly snaps to her wits, Logan kills off the quasits, and Garreth takes care of the Royal Ugly Dude.

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