Castle Whiterock 13 March 2023: Scorpions taste like beef jerky

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

(Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar)

What they did

Well, Garreth and I sit down and relax. We lie back and have some whiskey, some hard cider, some beer. We're just about to go have some hard stuff and we look around for Logan. "Hey, where did the little guy go? I was about to give him his whiskey!"

Garreth looks, then jerks his head and points to the Bag of Tricks we found. "See the moving up and down there? I think he smelled something inside."

I grit my teeth and watch. "This is weird, he doesn't normally like bags." I see the of the bag. "Either the little guy is getting a meal or getting a girl wolverine!"

Maybe a minute later, Logan comes out of the Bag of Tricks. Now his eyes are golden, and he has a golden glow to him as well. He wags his tail at us, yipping and panting. 

Garreth leans down and pours Logan a small bowl of whiskey. Logan laps up the whiskey, then pats his belly. He swipes at the air with his paw, then climbs up Garreth's leg and waves his paw in the air. "Did he beat a spider, Garreth?"

Polly says, "Oh look, Logan must be being Natureful."

He jumps down, then makes a menacing look and holds up both forepaws. Then he jumps in front of himself, and holds up both forepaws in the same way before taking a swipe at the air.

Fluffy asks, "Is the mustelid going to make a mess? I do not think Master Pelltiar wants mustelids to make messes."

Logan ignores Fluffy, takes his forepaws and moves them up and down onto each other, like a jaw, then gives a swipe with his paw again. Then he moves his forepaws like the jaw, but on the side, then he turns his tail and tries to jab it forward, before turning back around and giving another triumphant swipe with his forepaw.

Garreth scrunches his eyebrows. "A wolverine, an alligator, and … a scorpion?"

Logan puts his forepaws at the sides of his heads and sticks out the talons like horns, then grunts. He growls and tries to look really tough and impressive.

Garreth blinks, and I shake my head. Neither one of us have any idea what this is. Garreth suggests we go to the shrine of Justicia and wash the armor in the fountain to clean the curse. "It's been some time since we visited that shrine. I wonder if it will react to our newly-glowing friend."

We make it to the shrine, and the doors open for the Logan. He finds Celestial Communion Crackers and Celestial Grape Juice.

Garreth puts the armor in the fountain. He gets the idea that putting silver equal in weight to the armor into the fountain will wash away the sin. He shakes his head, and puts in platinum equal in worth to 96 pounds of silver. The coins boil and bubble, fizzing effervescently, bubble bubble, swish swish, swirl, agitate, and lo, the armor is now shiny with Goodness! He puts the armor on Logan, and it fits, though Logan doesn't have wings.

Logan's tale

Zaber and Garreth no know everything in bag. I smell food! I go in and see big rhinoceros with three horns and bony frill on neck.

Big rhino call himself SchildEsche the Triceratops. He say, "So Logan, you've attracted our attention. We want to help you ascend to your true potential." He talk funny, say big words. "Once you defeat these creatures, you'll be able to consume the magic that bound them and in turn become stronger." More big words, but I know "consume!"

SchildEsche click tongue. "You smash, you stronger, smarter. Me help you." He sighs and mutters, "Hopefully smarter, anyway."

Oh, I understand now! Beat monsters, get stronger!

SchildEsche say, "Logan, I'm on your side, we'll take them on together."

We look at monsters. We see other wolverine, alligator, giant ape, and boar. Bad wolverine say, "We shall consume you with rips and tears and FIRE!"

SchildEsche sigh at the diabolical wolverine. "You aren't qualified and that's not even a good threat." He roll eyes. "Oh, yes, embrace your darkness, that'll help."

Bad wolverine say, "Let's get these Celestial Dogs and show them a lesson!"

Alligator rush at SchildEsche and bite and swing tail, but miss. I swat at hind leg but skin is tough. SchildEsche say he save boar for later, then blasts big magic bubble at it. Bad wolverine rush at me and swing with claws and miss. Ape rush at me and swing with paws and miss, too!

Then alligator think it can hit me, and it miss again. I poke at alligator eye, but it step back. Then I rip out throat of other wolverine. It fall down dead! "Good … bad … I'm the wolverine with the talons." SchildEsche slam all three horns into alligator, and blood spurt as he pull his head back. Scorpion stabby tail at SchildEsche, and SchildEsche fall. 

Bad wolverine start to heal and get back up. Big ape try to grab me and miss. Alligator try to hit SchildEsche but he put frill on teeth and tail miss. I rip lungs out of bad wolverine, then shove middle talon in big ape, other in big ape eye. Big ape fall. SchildEsche get up. Scorpion come and try to stab me, but miss. Bad wolverine heal again.

Alligator try to bite and slap tail on SchildEsche but SchildEsche swat mouth and tail miss. I poke eye of big ape and it fall dead. I poke eye on bad wolverine and it fall down dead dead. I step and swing at scorpion tail but it have shell. SchildEsche stab alligator in belly and it fall down dead. Scorpion try to stab me but it miss, so I rip away eyes.

I crack open scorpion like Zaber crack open lobster and eat. Scorpion taste good! Alligator also taste good. Boar wake up, but SchildEsche charge, and I run to eat pork, too!

SchildEsche say, "As you consume your foes, consider the joy to be found in destroying evil. You've been doing it for some time, but you can do it with purpose!" I walk out of bag, and he say, "I hope to see you in the hills of Celestia!"

Zaber and Garreth look at me, and Garreth pour whiskey in bowl for me. I lap at whiskey to help swallow boar.