Castle Whiterock 20 March 2023: Chalkboard

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

(Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar)

What they did

We go back to the room with the chalkboard and put the gem in the first notch. We see what looks like angry claw scratches on the chalkboard once we do. Bleu tells us that it's in Draconic, and it reads, "Hi! I am Shale, I like potions! I have been asleep a long time. Do you guys like potions?" I burp, and tell Bleu to say that we do, especially the alcohol used in preserving potions. Shale writes back that it likes clear grain alcohol.

Shale keeps writing enthusiastically about potions. As well as not only knowing about potions and wanting to learn even more, we find that Shale can't brew potions "due to a lack of potion-brewing appendages," and that Pelltiar took away its activation crystal, but we found it, and Fluffy kept washing it whenever it tried to talk to her. The notches trigger the tongue: first notch is Draconic, second is Elvish, and third is Abyssal. We switch to the Elven notch so Polly and I can follow along without Bleu translating for us.

With the insight of having a chalkboard that just loves potions, I look for a hidden cabinet again, and find one with eight potions inside. We ask Shale what these potions are, and Shale instead walks me through the steps of identifying them. I do, and find that we have three poisons, and one each of Greater Magic Weapon 5, Water Walk, Missile Shield, Tongues, and Great Rage 10.

Then we find out Shale's problem: it can't drink potions, or anything else, not even inebriation potions. I start weeping in sympathy, then drink some scotch. As Shale's chalkboard is on wheels, it lets us know we can move it, and we let Shale know that Pelltiar is dead. It shows its enthusiasm at us taking it away, as we can actually brew the potions. Shale also says that it doesn't like the drow, which used to have it until Pelltiar took it away, and we let it know that we didn't like the drow either, and it won't hear from the drow anymore.

We have Bleu do one last check for magic items and, finding none, we pack up the alchemy lab. Pelltiar can't use it anymore.

Castle Whiterock 13 March 2023: Scorpions taste like beef jerky

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

(Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar)

What they did

Well, Garreth and I sit down and relax. We lie back and have some whiskey, some hard cider, some beer. We're just about to go have some hard stuff and we look around for Logan. "Hey, where did the little guy go? I was about to give him his whiskey!"

Garreth looks, then jerks his head and points to the Bag of Tricks we found. "See the moving up and down there? I think he smelled something inside."

I grit my teeth and watch. "This is weird, he doesn't normally like bags." I see the of the bag. "Either the little guy is getting a meal or getting a girl wolverine!"

Maybe a minute later, Logan comes out of the Bag of Tricks. Now his eyes are golden, and he has a golden glow to him as well. He wags his tail at us, yipping and panting. 

Garreth leans down and pours Logan a small bowl of whiskey. Logan laps up the whiskey, then pats his belly. He swipes at the air with his paw, then climbs up Garreth's leg and waves his paw in the air. "Did he beat a spider, Garreth?"

Polly says, "Oh look, Logan must be being Natureful."

He jumps down, then makes a menacing look and holds up both forepaws. Then he jumps in front of himself, and holds up both forepaws in the same way before taking a swipe at the air.

Fluffy asks, "Is the mustelid going to make a mess? I do not think Master Pelltiar wants mustelids to make messes."

Logan ignores Fluffy, takes his forepaws and moves them up and down onto each other, like a jaw, then gives a swipe with his paw again. Then he moves his forepaws like the jaw, but on the side, then he turns his tail and tries to jab it forward, before turning back around and giving another triumphant swipe with his forepaw.

Garreth scrunches his eyebrows. "A wolverine, an alligator, and … a scorpion?"

Logan puts his forepaws at the sides of his heads and sticks out the talons like horns, then grunts. He growls and tries to look really tough and impressive.

Garreth blinks, and I shake my head. Neither one of us have any idea what this is. Garreth suggests we go to the shrine of Justicia and wash the armor in the fountain to clean the curse. "It's been some time since we visited that shrine. I wonder if it will react to our newly-glowing friend."

We make it to the shrine, and the doors open for the Logan. He finds Celestial Communion Crackers and Celestial Grape Juice.

Garreth puts the armor in the fountain. He gets the idea that putting silver equal in weight to the armor into the fountain will wash away the sin. He shakes his head, and puts in platinum equal in worth to 96 pounds of silver. The coins boil and bubble, fizzing effervescently, bubble bubble, swish swish, swirl, agitate, and lo, the armor is now shiny with Goodness! He puts the armor on Logan, and it fits, though Logan doesn't have wings.

Logan's tale

Zaber and Garreth no know everything in bag. I smell food! I go in and see big rhinoceros with three horns and bony frill on neck.

Big rhino call himself SchildEsche the Triceratops. He say, "So Logan, you've attracted our attention. We want to help you ascend to your true potential." He talk funny, say big words. "Once you defeat these creatures, you'll be able to consume the magic that bound them and in turn become stronger." More big words, but I know "consume!"

SchildEsche click tongue. "You smash, you stronger, smarter. Me help you." He sighs and mutters, "Hopefully smarter, anyway."

Oh, I understand now! Beat monsters, get stronger!

SchildEsche say, "Logan, I'm on your side, we'll take them on together."

We look at monsters. We see other wolverine, alligator, giant ape, and boar. Bad wolverine say, "We shall consume you with rips and tears and FIRE!"

SchildEsche sigh at the diabolical wolverine. "You aren't qualified and that's not even a good threat." He roll eyes. "Oh, yes, embrace your darkness, that'll help."

Bad wolverine say, "Let's get these Celestial Dogs and show them a lesson!"

Alligator rush at SchildEsche and bite and swing tail, but miss. I swat at hind leg but skin is tough. SchildEsche say he save boar for later, then blasts big magic bubble at it. Bad wolverine rush at me and swing with claws and miss. Ape rush at me and swing with paws and miss, too!

Then alligator think it can hit me, and it miss again. I poke at alligator eye, but it step back. Then I rip out throat of other wolverine. It fall down dead! "Good … bad … I'm the wolverine with the talons." SchildEsche slam all three horns into alligator, and blood spurt as he pull his head back. Scorpion stabby tail at SchildEsche, and SchildEsche fall. 

Bad wolverine start to heal and get back up. Big ape try to grab me and miss. Alligator try to hit SchildEsche but he put frill on teeth and tail miss. I rip lungs out of bad wolverine, then shove middle talon in big ape, other in big ape eye. Big ape fall. SchildEsche get up. Scorpion come and try to stab me, but miss. Bad wolverine heal again.

Alligator try to bite and slap tail on SchildEsche but SchildEsche swat mouth and tail miss. I poke eye of big ape and it fall dead. I poke eye on bad wolverine and it fall down dead dead. I step and swing at scorpion tail but it have shell. SchildEsche stab alligator in belly and it fall down dead. Scorpion try to stab me but it miss, so I rip away eyes.

I crack open scorpion like Zaber crack open lobster and eat. Scorpion taste good! Alligator also taste good. Boar wake up, but SchildEsche charge, and I run to eat pork, too!

SchildEsche say, "As you consume your foes, consider the joy to be found in destroying evil. You've been doing it for some time, but you can do it with purpose!" I walk out of bag, and he say, "I hope to see you in the hills of Celestia!"

Zaber and Garreth look at me, and Garreth pour whiskey in bowl for me. I lap at whiskey to help swallow boar.

Game log 19 March 2023: Along came a spider

Personae dramatis

Mateo de Leon Garcia, stylish red wizard

Grignok, orc druid often in panther shape
Felcanis, elf cleric
Honsou, larcenous bowman

Quid occurrit

That morning, it's raining heavily. Grignok finds a trail to track the spiders. "Aye, they are coming from the east, but a bit south as well."

After a couple of hours, the rain starts to let up. The gang sees a tree that seems to be giving off a green glow coming from inside; it looks like a hollow tree about a yard wide. Mateo checks out the tree, and when his face is less than a foot from the tree, a rattlesnake springs out and tries to bite him! It misses his face and gets its fangs stuck on the armor on his shoulder, letting him back away. The snake hisses and rattles its tail, and the heroes back away and realize that the spiders are way too big to go inside this tree, so they keep going deeper into the woods.

A couple more hours later, a big branch falls from a tree onto them. Nobody gets away, but the branch doesn't hurt them too much and they can get it off. They keep following the spider tracks into the thickening woods.

After some more walking, they see a hill with a grove atop it. Honsou slowly makes his way up the hill, and sees that four trees look a little darker, its branches look twisted with few leaves, and each has a big scar on its trunk. In the middle of the trees is a hole that would be a tight fit for a man.

Honsou gets back and tells the others of what he saw. Grignok says that the trees look fine to him, and so he casts Plant Speech and walks up the hill. After walking a few feet, he tells the others that the trees say they're welcome to come up the hill and go into the hole, and that they haven't seen any spiders, but there are badgers down there. Mateo tells Grignok that they'll move on and to thank the trees.

When evening hits, Felcanis sets up camp in the thick woods. She heals everyone, and casts Watchdog, while Grignok casts Mystic Mist. In the middle of the night, Mateo hears rustling, and Felcanis wakes up. Mateo sees a spider bigger than a man poking around at the edge of the mist. The spider doesn't seem to know where it's going so it slowly moves around, giving them all time to wake up and get ready.

Honsou aims with his bow, while Mateo shoots it with his crossbow. The spider tries to move away, but the mist bewilders it. Grignok casts Beast Speech, and Felcanis casts Armor DR 2 on Mateo. All of this is moot when Honsou shoots it in the face, knocking it out.

Felcanis casts Minor Healing to heal it a little, and Grignok casts Beast Speech again. He asks the spider where it lairs, and it says that it lives nearby in then thick woods, towards the rising sun. With that, Mateo fires again, ending its life.

Game log 27 November 2022 and 22 January 2023: Ain't we lucky we got 'em?

Personae dramatis

Mateo de Leon Garcia, stylish red wizard

Grignok, orc druid often in panther shape
Felcanis, elf cleric
Honsou, larcenous bowman

Mēnévē, broken-nosed fighter (NPC)

Quid occurrit

Mateo de Leon Garcia is a red wizard from the city of Pumšássun in the Duchy of Suslópnis who is coming to the town of Mīstássun in the County of Mīsarkēnê to make a fortune in the boondocks. He was with a caravan, but bandits hit it as it passed by the Outpost of Swords, and he got off the road in the fight. He wound up in the woods, where he runs into some redneck murderhoboes.

Honsou, Felcanis, Grignok, and Mēnévē see a well-dressed man step out of the woods. After some pleasantries, Mateo agrees to link up with these redneck murderhoboes, and Honsou shows Mateo the sword. It shocks him, and Felcanis heals him. As it happens, Felcanis is the only one who can touch the sword without it it hurting her.

They go west towards Mīstássun. There are storm clouds on the horizon. Around midday, they wander into woods with some trees chopped down, and hear a craggy voice. "Hey, haven't you bothered me enough?"

They turn, and see a dwarf with no earlobes. Honsou asks what they have done to bother him, and the dwarf says that they took his treasure and wrecked his home. Honsou asks for more details. "I've done like five of those this week."

The dwarf sighs. "You and your nasty elf friend wrecked my home! Your orc was the most well-behaved of you!"

Honsou says, "Oh, yeah. Good times."

That night, not long after bed, the dwarf shows up at the mist around the camp while Honsou is on watch. "Hey! You all in there! I wanna talk to you!" After some banter, the dwarf, whose name is Zurâg, says he wants to get back to town to sell some lumber. "I wanna get back to town! I have some lumber I wanna sell. You all owe me! Can I come with you all?" Honsou tells him he needs to talk to the others, and the next morning, Zurâg shows up, dragging some logs in a makeshift truck. They agree to let him come along.

That night, they make it to the village of Káddrakos. Zurâg splits from the group. "Thank you, for once! Sorry about your friend. She must have opened her mouth one too many times!" He trades with the gnomes for supplies, and the group spends the night in the Winking Friar inn. Honsou picks some pockets and gets eight copper.

In mid-afternoon the next day, they are walking along the road, and should make it to Mīstássun that night. Honsou sees some movement in the trees. He looks, and sees some men, who somehow think they are hidden. A buck-toothed man steps out. "Hey, we've been robbed!"

Honsou asks, "Why are you staying in the bush?"

Bucky says, "We thought they were coming back for more! We were gonna get 'em on the rebound!"

Honsou eyes them, knowing fellow bullshitters. "Why would they come back for more if they already robbed you?"

Bucky says, "We still have our weapons!"

Mateo asks which way they went. Bucky thinks for a moment, then points to the west. "They went that-a-way!"

Honsou nods. "Let's go that direction. I'm the only one around here allowed to steal from people." So, they keep walking west as before, towards town, which they reach that evening.

In town, Mēnévē splits from them group. Honsou tries to sell a painting, and has trouble finding a buyer. Mateo finds someone in the market who is looking for a big but bland painting and buys it for 400 copper, of which Mateo takes a fifth. 

Next up is selling the longsword of hurts-everyone-but-Felcanis. They look around for someone who can identify it, and they find a older, stocky, out-of-shape man named Praidīvós. "I'll cut you a deal. I identify it and help you sell it, and you give me a thousand farthings out of the sale. You in?" Mateo says nothing upfront, and wheedles him down to 900 farthings, but with a cut of a tenth of the sale. They haggle more, and Honsou takes the first offer: a thousand farthings, payable upon sale.

Praidīvós takes the sword to a back room while his apprentice, a young woman with short hair and slightly crossed eyes named Kôštē, makes tea for Mateo. "Enjoy your fucking tea."

Praidīvós sticks his head out of the room. "Watch your language, Kôštē!"

An hour passes, and Praidīvós comes out, eyes wide. "I—I need to check my books. Kôštē, stay with them for a bit. Don't touch the sword. It will damage anyone who isn't pure of heart. Which describes none of us." He goes back into the other room, then comes out again after several minutes. "Well, I should use my connections on selling this. Give me another thousand out of it; trust me, it's worth it. And definitely don't touch the sword. I'm almost certain the sword is Seft, and I should be able to get a few hundred gold pieces for it. It won't like you. I won't like any of us. It likes people who give alms to the poor, and it makes sure you do so."

Honsou agrees, and Praidīvós says to give him a week. After a week, Praidīvós hands over 750 gold pieces. "Believe me, this was a pleasure doing business with you." Mateo takes 120 gold, while Honsou hands over 200 gold to each of Felcanis and Grignok.

The town gets the gold right back. Honsou buys a fine, balanced composite longbow, and Light, Impenetrable Fine Light Leather Armor of Warding. He swaps his old armor and bow for 96 arrows. Felcanis gets Light Elven Light Mail of Invulnerability (and Redundancy) and a Light Fine Medium Shield of Warding, selling her old armor and shield while doing so.

Over that week, they look for work. The talk of the Scarlet Harlot this week is that someone brought back some truffles from the woods in the southeast, and said the boars there gored his buddy to death. The guy who tells them this raves about the truffles. 

Mateo gets drunk with a guy from the village of Bóllā in the east, on the edge of the woods. Big spiders have been known to come to this village and have even taken away a couple of villagers now. The size of the spiders varies each time he tells it. He's pretty wasted.

Honsou is picking pockets, and overhears a guy complaining about losing all his loot while in the hills to the north. Some bandits hit him pretty good, and he barely managed to get away with his life. Since the guy looks beat up, Honsou chooses to pick a different pocket.

After some chatter, they choose to go to Bóllā. It sits on the edge of the Eldalîvā Woods, and they has passed through there many times on the way to Dībités Rock. They can make it to the market village of Ōndrûnks on the road, then walk to Bóllā from there, a trip of about thirty miles. The next day, the first of the month of Párūs, they set forth for Bóllā in nice May weather.

On the road to the Ōndrûnks area, a one-armed elf male waves at them. With his good hand, of course. "Greetings! What brings you fellows and lady this way?" Honsou asks to trade with him. "Well, good sir, I deal in masonry! You humans are always building homes out of mud and cow shit, but I have bricks!" He points to the wheelbarrow he is dragging behind him, a rope to it around his waist.

Honsou asks for a brick. "I want one brick, if I have to send a death threat through a window."

The elf chuckles. "I like the way you think, son! I'll let you have a brick for a farthing. Be sure to let everyone know where you got it unless you're dealing with one of those death threats! Then I didn't know you." And so he sells Honsou a brick for a farthing.

That night, they make it to Bóllā, and widow Dáklā puts them up for the night for twenty farthings. She squints and fidgets often. "Eh, don't get too close to the children. What brings you here this time?" Honsou says the giant spiders do, and she shuts up fast. "I don't know what's up with the spiders. Because there are no spiders."

Honsou scoffs. "I've been arrested plenty of times so I know you're lying straight to my face."

Dáklā says, "Well, did you get hit—what? Arrested? For what?"

Honsou says, "Let me see … It was robbing, more robbing, throwing a brick into someone's house, and defiling a church. But that one wasn't my fault."

Dáklā glares at Mateo. "You seem like a nice young man. Control your friend. And don't go looking for spiders. They carry off cattle. We don't want them coming back. Now, go to bed." She tells Mateo to go to Lady Savendótē the next morning if he wants a reward for killing the spiders.

Dáklā's oldest son, in his early teens, watches them all night. Especially Honsou. The next morning, Dáklā throws them out at first light. 

The manor house is pretty easy to find. Honsou knocks on the door. An attractive woman in traveling clothes opens the door. "Yes?" This is Lady Savendótē. Mateo brings up the spiders, and she gazes at him for a second before telling him, "They can get over the wall, and they come from the east, in the woods."

They walk out of the village, through the east gate. The watchman cackles as they pass. "They'll get you! They always get you!" Then he falls asleep.

Castle Whiterock 6 March 2023: Attic thoughts

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

We go upwards into a loft that's about 20 feet athwart, and we have to crouch to keep from hitting the ceiling. Light comes from magic lights above the plants below us. A hallway leads out. Among the junk here is a suit of plate armor, a coat rack, and a brass cage. A magic voice says, "Time to clean out the attic, don't you think?"

Fluffy tells us, "I tried to clean out the attic once and Master Pelltiar threatened to feed me to a Sphere of Annihilation."

I ask, "Oh, where is the Sphere of Annihilation?"

Fluffy says, "I do not need to clean the Sphere of Annihilation. Master Pelltiar never fed me to the Sphere of Annihilation." Good thing she cleared that up!

Garreth bids Bleu to pick out the magic items, and she says the armor, black bag, gaudy gold bottle, and gauntlets are magic, among the stuff in plain sight. We take them, and start cleaning. I sit down to keep from doing the work, and pick up a box with the label, "Powdered Toadfish Eyes." I open it, and inside is a lone boot with arcane stitching. I hold this up. "Is this like a Michael Jackson boot?"

Garreth digs in his Bag of Holding, and finds a matching boot from the derro loot. He claps. "I knew it would come in handy one day!" Bleu says the boots are Boots of Teleportation, letting the wearer teleport thrice a day. 

The armor looks like it would fit a female aasimar, with fancy mithril trimming and a sigil of Justicia. "I bet I know who used to own this." Then, Garreth asks Bleu to tell him about the armor.

"Ah, it is cursed. It appears that a halfling blew up the wizard while he was working on it, causing him to create this Wizard's Redoubt. If it could be uncursed it would protect might paladins and speed them up." Bleu thinks the curse can be removed at a holy font of Justicia.

Bleu says that the bag is supposed to be a Celestial Bag of Tricks but the magic of the demonhold corrupted it. "Instead whoever draws forth an animal will receive a diabolical animal, that will immediately attack them." Garreth asks someone can fix it, and Bleu says, "It is possible, were Logan to defeat the animal and eat the bag he would gain part of its power, or it might be possible to uncurse it."

We all look at Logan, who gnaws on some old furniture. "Logan needs to fight the animal first. He can't just eat the bag."

Bleu tells us that the gloves are enchanted to look like Gauntlets of Ogre Power, but someone cursed them to be Gauntlets of Pixie Power. If someone were to get rid of the curse by wearing them and beating a worthy foe, the wearer would gain pixie-related benefits instead. The bottle, she says, is an Efreeti Bottle, but houses an insane Efreeti.

Having checked out the loot, we go down the hallway to another spherical room about 15 feet athwart. In the middle there is a big stone bench with dusty glassware. Along the far wall is a chalkboard with a mahogany frame on a stone stand. There are three notches carved into the lower rail of the frame. Along the left wall is a lead cabinet with shut doors. The magic voice says,  "Remember, safety never takes a time out. Please don protective gear."

Fluffy lets us know that Pelltiar was upset when she tried to clean the chalkboard, and instead cleaned a lot of broken glass and ashes here. "I think Master Pelltiar enjoyed broken glass. Master Pelltiar was not happy when I helped him by breaking glassware for him ahead of time."

Garreth tries to open the cabinet, and finds it to be locked. After donning the Gloves of Dexterity and drinking an Agility Potion, I fumble with the lock. It's tricky, and I can't get it open right away, but I do find a charged Fireball Gem with Construct Bane while checking the lock for traps.

After telling Fluffy that her primary purpose is no longer dusting, which she is trying to do, I get the cabinet open. Inside are many rare magical ingredients, like dragon tongues, powdered stone giant bone, harpy lung extract, and otyugh eyes. There is also a small silver box with five doses each of Sovereign Glue, Universal Solvent, and Salve of Slipperiness.

Garreth takes the blue sapphire from me and puts it in the leftmost notch of the chalkboard. Words in Draconic start to show up on the chalkboard, with the tell-tale scratching of chalk.

Castle Whiterock 27 February 2023: Fluffy

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

Garreth looks at the trees, and sees someone has watered them. He checks out the base of each tree for signs of whoever has watered them. He sees there are light footprints nearby, and not much dust. I look at the Decanter of Endless Water, and start watering the trees.

Garreth tells Bleu to cast See Invisible on all of us. Suddenly, we see a ghostly maid glaring at me. "You're watering the trees too much. I already watered them. Master Pelltiar will be unhappy."

Garreth asks, "When's the last time the master was home?"

The servant says, "Master Pelltiar is in his study. You should not disturb him." Garreth asks if Pelltiar is alive and I ask if he likes to party, and the servant says, "I do not go into his study and disturb him. Hmmm. What is alive? He does not like the halflings' idea of party. Or the clerics'. Or the knights'. Or the squires'. Or anyone's. He does not wish to have guests. That is why he has his Wizard's Respite inaccessible to the outside world." Garreth asks when she last saw him move, and the servant says that she has watered the trees hundreds of times since she last saw him move, and that he is in his study and is not to be bothered. "Is he angered about when I cleaned the easels?"

I yawn. "Bleu, she seems to be right up your alley." Bleu tells us about all about the Unseen Servants that cleaned the dorms at Wizard School.

Garreth asks the servant what her name is. The servant says that Pelltiar usually called her "Servant" or "Bothersome construct" or "What Are You Doing Don't Do That."

I ask Bothersome which way the study is. She points down, and says that I must not bother Pelltiar. I ignore her, and we go down to the study. The study is about as big as the room above it, with stone book cases on one side, almost in a maze, and all full of books. On the other side is a comfy chair with a man in gray robes lying on it, with an open book on his lap. The table next to him is full of dust and books, and a staff is propped up on the chair. We hear a woman's voice whisper, "Don’t forget to return the book on Ghetrian geography. Nim still has your favorite cookbook: Stirge: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore; 101 Additional Recipes."

Bothersome pulls out two swords. "Please leave the study so I may stop you."

I roll my eyes. "Stay out. And we have way worse than that." Bothersome hovers, looking bothered.

Garreth checks out Pelltiar. "The master can't be disturbed now. He's dead and beyond bothering."

He asks Bleu if there is a way to get Bothersome out of her compulsion. She thinks, and says, "She will only listen to orders from 'Master Pelltiar,' if you could have him give orders, or convince her that orders were from him somehow."

I wave to Bleu to cast Magic Mouth, but she shrugs and shakes her head: she doesn't know it. Garreth whispers to me to pretend I'm a cleric, and so I pull out a joint and light it up. "Incense." 

Bothersome says, "He doesn't like fires in his study."

Ignoring Bothersome, I set my joint off to the side, then put my hands on Pelltiar's hands. "Oh, great wizard from beyond, hear you me my sacred cry. Ohm." I open my whiskeyskin and brings it up to Pelltiar's mouth. "Oh, Pelltiar, drink you now our sacred wine. Ohm!"

This bothers Bothersome. "You are disturbing the Master. I must not let you disturb the Master. I must not enter the study. I must not let you disturb the Master. I must not enter the …" I raise Pelltiar's hands as subtly as I can, trying to to make it look like Pelltiar is raising his hands on his own.

This amazes Bothersome. "You are moving, Master!"

I pour more whiskey in Pelltiar's mouth. "For now our congregant wishes to engage in the bacchanalia and drink the wine. Ohm!" I hold his hands, then throw my head back.

Bothersome asks Pelltiar, "May I enter the study to dispose of the intruders disturbing you, Master?"

I hold the hands of the corpse. "For Pelltiar speaks through me, servant of the god Bacchus." I throw back my head and make silly possession movements with my tongue and eyes. In a weak and creaky voice, I call out, "No!"

Bothersome stops hinting at trying to come inside. "Yes, Master Pelltiar. I will not enter the study."

I make even more tongue and eye movements. "Leave!"

Bothersome nods. "Yes, Master. Where shall I go?"

"Home!"

Bothersome says, "This is my home, Master."

Oh, yeah, that's a little problem. So, in a creaky voice, I say, "Elf gives home now." She looks at Polly, and I say, "Cookies!"

Polly asks Bothersome if she can make cookies, and Bothersome says, "Yes, Mistress."

Polly asks, "Can we keep her?"

I set down Pelltiar's hands. "She's no less boring than Bleu, so I don't see why not."

Polly says. "I think she needs a petter name than 'Bothersome Construct.' Hmm. 'Fluffy'?" I nod, and Polly turns to Bothersome. "OK, Bothersome, your new name is 'Fluffy.'"

Fluffy nods. "Yes, Mistress."

I grip Pelltiar's hands again. "I leave this world!" I make more silly tongue and eye movements before letting go, as Fluffy is now ignoring Pelltiar, and puts her swords back up. I wipe off the tip of my whiskeyskin, and offer some to Logan to get the taste of death off it. Once he has his fill, I take a swig and close Pelltiar's eyes.

Stonemaul walks in the room. "That was remarkably kind of everyone." With that, he gives Pelltiar the last rites. Garreth bids Bleu to look the room, and she finds a Robe of the Archmagi, an Amulet of Natural Armor 6, a Clay Golem manual, a Ring of Wizardry, a Ring of Sustenance, a Staff of Conjuration with 17 charges, a Tome of Understanding, the Book of Melosiran that teaches about the elven wizard Melosira and her rings, and the chair, which is a Chair of Comfort and Understanding.

Back on the tree level, I find a magical sapphire that Bleu says activates some magic item. I also find five Marvelous Pigments, and four amateur paintings: one of Castle Whiterock at sunset before it became a lake, one of a bunch of geometric shapes, an unfinished one of a beautiful elf woman in a flowing gown, and one blank. Fluffy nods at the blank canvas. "I cleaned that one after Master Pelltiar spilled paint on it. Master Pelltiar was not pleased with me. He got the easel dirty. Why should I not clean it?" I draw a smiley face on the shapes.

With that, we take the trees and put them in the Bag of Holding. They'd look great in Logan's Run, and Fluffy can water them.

Castle Whiterock 13 February 2023: Where's the fight?

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

We wander through the ruins of Narborg on our way to the burning maze, seeing the carrion crawlers and goblins that have moved in, we spot an arcane rune. We ask Bleu, and she says, "It seems to be Wizard Pelltar's mark and has additional symbolism meaning '75 yards due north.'"

Garreth and Polly dig 75 yards due north, and they come out in a chamber. Bleu, Logan, and I follow them, and we link up with them in a chamber that is round and big, almost 40 feet athwart, and a soft glow from the ceiling lights it. The middle of the floor has an opening going down, and above that opening is one in the ceiling going up. On the far side is a big bed, an ironbound chest, and a black wooden bookcase with books. Near where we came in is a kitchen with a table and chair, and a small stone alcove with metal sheets inside.

We hear a woman's voice say, "Don’t forget to eat." As we cannot find the speaker, we ask Bleu to cast detection spells. She tells us that the alcove is magic, as well as the bottle near it, the books in the bookshelf, and the ironbound chest. The voice, she says, is a recording using the Magic Mouth spell.

I check out the chest. It is locked with an outstanding lock. Polly shoots it to make sure it's not a mimic. Then I borrow Garreth's Gloves of Dexterity, drink an Agility Potion, and easily pick the lock. "Piece of cake." I give Garreth back his gloves, and he puts them back on.

Inside the chest are $35,391 in many gold and platinum coins, ten shiny gems worth $1,000 each, and 9 books. Bleu says they look like spellbooks of rare spells. As the chest has unusual depth, Bleu says we cannot safely put the chest into our Bag of Holding, though I can get in it easily, and breathe while in it.

We check out the bottle. It looks like a common bottle, but has some words in Aquan on it: "Stream," "Fountain," "Geyser," and "Halt." Bleu says this is a Decanter of Endless Water, and these are command words. In the alcove, Bleu sees writing in Draconic, and says these are command words for heating the metal plates in the alcove. We pour some water from the Decanter onto the plates, then speak the command words, and the the water steams as it hits the now-glowing plates. We check for food, and find reserved delicacies, canned dire duck foie gras, elven cookies, elven brandy, and so forth. I feed Logan the dire duck foie gras, while Garreth and I try the brandy.

We check the bookcase, and see it has 25 books with Draconic writing on them. Bleu says the writing is about shelves, ladders, steps, and stairs. Speaking the command words, we turn the books into steps spiraling up to the hole in the ceiling. Garreth steps on them, but the books sink a little from his weight, so I step on them, then walk up them to the hole. Garreth, of course, just walks on the air, as do the others.

This circular level is about 35 feet athwart. An opening in the well-lit ceiling leads to a loft that looks like it is cluttered with junk. Along the right wall are several dwarf trees, and along the left wall there is a big desk and many wooden easels. The easels hold canvas paintings, some done, some still needing work.

A perky feminine voice says, “Don’t forget to water the trees. Still need to finish the painting of Amarantha.”

Nobody knows who Amarantha is.

Castle Whiterock 23 January 2023: How do a rakshasa and a medusa get it on, anyways?

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

Back in Cillamar, Garreth buys a mirrored dwarven shield and a man-sized sack, while I buy two Charisma potions. Then we go back to Castle Whiterock, down to Baghanaya's lair.

We go chill near the toxic waste. I hand Stonemaul a joint to smoke while he meditates next to toxic waste. The djinn from earlier holds up his hands trying to look friendly.

I take a swig of whiskey. "Hey, whassup?"

The djinn says, "Lord Baghanaya, the Great Rakshasa, welcomes you to his domain and requests you not explode the door again."

I shrug. "Yeah, well, it's open, so we don't need to blow it up." I look around. "Where's his girlfriend?"

The djinn says, "The Lady Scithia is found to the south, past his humble abode. I will lead you to where you may begin your hunt."

I offer the djinn a drink. He says, "Ooh, I love air and water, is it related?" I say it is, and he comes over and takes a drink. "Ah, electrifying! I could become a tornado! But I won't."

I say, “Well, it'll put hair on your chest if you drink enough. And I promise not to smoke anything around you, since that's fire and air."

Garreth asks if the djinn grants wishes, and the djinn says he is not planning to grant any wishes at that time.

The djinn leads us to some curtains by a tiger statue. He stops and does something by the statue, and the curtains open to a short hallway that turns right beyond the curtains. At the end of the hallway is a set of stone double doors, and there is another such set on the far wall about midway through the hallway. The djinn says,  "Through these doors is the masters art collection. Do you wish to see the art collection?" I tell him we'll pass for now, then he leads us to the set of doors at the end of the hall. "Lady Scithia may be found beyond. She is not expecting you."

Garreth shuts his eyes and hands me the shield, which I crouch behind. I put a blindfold on Logan and make a leash out of twine. I make another blindfold out of part of my shirt and wear it as a headband as a failsafe, and put some twine on Polly's wrist. Polly shuts her eyes and readies her shield and rapier. Garreth tells Bleu to keep back and only get involved when we need her. Garreth and I chat about how we're going to talk to Scithia, but we can't think of what to say beyond asking her what her relationship is with Baghanaya. With that, I push open the door.

Beyond the door are tunnels like the ones outside Baghanaya's apartments. To my right and forward I hear something. I'm looking at the ground with the shield up as I lead everyone to where I hear the din.

I don't have to lead everyone far before Garreth feels the blows. I hear him yelp, and can smell the perfume of the medusas. Logan and Polly blindly swat at the medusas near them, and both hit. When they hit, the medusas poof in a shower of flower petals. I whip out a Greater Healing potion and hold it out for Garreth, who already is drinking one of his own potions. Bleu peeks out and casts Great Haste on Garreth. We hear Scithia's astonished cry. "Waa? Your not dead? You just healed that much? Guards! Baghanaya cuddles! Help!"

The medusas step back and shoot a volley of arrows at Garreth, who bats them away. Scithia yells, "Unfair!"

The guardian statues turn into snakes and move. One swats at me, but I block it with the mirrored shield. I step and pour a potion Garreth's throat. Logan and Polly go after a snake, Polly dropping her buckler and rapier to grab her bow (I think). Garreth charges towards the source of the arrows. Scithia yells, "Stupid guards! You let him past!" I hear the din of Garreth yelling a kiai as he chops at medusas, and then Scithia yells, "Aiii! Baghanaya, help!"

I hear the sound of a blade coming out, and the light coming towards us dims. The djinn says, "Um, do you still wish to continue hostilities? You seem to have upset Lady Scithia greatly."

I call back, "Jeez, all we were gonna do was nab her so the rakshasa could have kinky sex with her!"
From there, we start chatting. The djinn tells the statues to stand down. I say, "Hey, Lord Baghanaya wanted us to capture you, bind you, and bring you to his room for perversions I dare not fathom."

Scithia asks, "Waaa! Is that true, Baghanaya?!"

I hear Baghanaya's growl. "You weren't supposed to tell her that! I was supposed to swoop in and heroically save her!"

I sigh, "You weren't saving her fast enough!"

Scithia asks, "Why didn't you leave your room?"

Baghanaya says, "I was finishing my glass of wine, and I was in bed. With the covers, it was comfortable."

Scithia cries, "They were going to kill me! The half orc! And he must be immortal! I stabbed him in the vitals! Five times! With my assassin's dagger! With bladeblack! By surprise! And he didn't die!"

I chuckle. "We weren't gonna kill you! Just get you laid!"

Garreth sings a little tune, "I'm Too Awesome for Death."

Itake a swig. "I forget cats aren't the most motivated creatures. Even cats dressed like Hugh Hefner and having kinky sex with snake women."

Scithia sobs, "HMMMFFF! And I was even wearing this cute magical maid armor!"

I grin. "I bet it's hot. Baghanaya is gonna be a lucky cat tonight." I think about peeking out, but instead light up a joint. "I'll stick to getting stoned this way."

For all this, Baghanaya gives Garreth a ring of Wish, Polly an Ironskin Amulet, and me a rod of Wither Limb. "Hmmmf! You're a lot of trouble, Scithia. Not only are you mad at me, I am paying to have you mad at me!"

Scithia scoffs. "Yeah, well, all my ex-boyfriends are in your art gallery! Wanna join them?"

I chuckle and make an aside to Baghanaya. "Baghanaya, if it means anything, but make-up-after-a-fight sex is way, way hot."

Castle Whiterock 9 January 2023: Tiger tales

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

Stonemaul, dwarven cleric of Danethar

What they did

We see a rakshasa sitting on the bed. I ask him, "Hey, there, wanna drink up?"

The rakshasa scowls. "Drink? With you? What makes you think you are worthy to drink with me, intruders who have killed my guards and broken into my sanctum?"

I shrug. "We didn't wanna drink with your guards, man. We wanted the best!"

He pauses. "Have you any duergar stout? It has been so long since a shipment from Narborg arrived."

I turn to Garreth. "Hey, Garreth, got any duergar stout?"

Garreth sighs. "I don't think we have any left, we could go rummage around in the ruins and see what we can find."

Garreth starts looking, but the rakshasa pipes up. "Ah, Gar-Eff and the Murder Hoboes?" He sniffs. "I do not see the point of such frivolities as much, I believe that the truest form of artistic expression is fine oratory" It then goes into ancient speeches of forgotten generals from the past, in the Ancient tongue.

I turn to Bleu. "Bleu, getting all of this?"

Bleu looks at me point blank. "No."

Garreth mutters in Undercommon, "Is he worth being friends with? Music is frivolity? What is that, poetry?"

I say back, "He looks like he knows how to party, man."

The rakshasa says back to us in Undercommon, "Only if you are worthy to be my friends."

I go through the booze in the bag of holding. "Man, we need a liquor cabinet of holding, too."

Stonemaul: chimes in. "The garbage those under-dwarves drink is only fit for setting things on fire. You might be able to get it as a cornucopia of flame-syphon ammo."

The rakshasa cocks an eyebrow. "You know of something far superior?"

Stonemaul says, "I will differ to my compatriots who have a very adventurous pallet to make recommendation."

Garreth shrugs. "I'm less of a connoisseur than a heavy consumer. I like to get drunk but it takes flammable booze by the pint. I'm depressingly sober right now, though. We had a bottle of dwarven firewine a while back that wasn't bad."

I hand over my whiskeyskin. "G, have a little more."

Garreth eyes the tiger thing and shakes his head slowly. "After."

The rakshasa dismisses us with a wave. "Then, depart the way you came, and return only with appropriate gifts, then may I leave you pass."

Garreth asks, "What would we pass to?"

The rakshasa says, "Beyond my realm and into that of the dragon. Also if you run into a medusa, do not slay her, bring her to me bound and you shall be rewarded."

I say, "We don't care about your realm. I mean, it sounds sweet, but it's yours. We care about that dragon. The medusa, not my type. I like being stoned, but not stoned stoned."

Stonemaul nods. "What would your plans be for this medusa?"

The rakshasa smiles. "We've been together for a few centuries now so I think it would you know, as they say, spice things up." He gives Stonemaul a wink.

I give the rakshasa a thumbs-up. "I totally dig the way you think."

Stonemaul says, "So, you're already in a relationship with the medusa and you want to pay us to become third parties to your bedroom play?" He shrugs. "I am OK with that."

The rakshasa adds, "I can gallantly rescue her! It will be fun! I won't even kill you!"

I ask, "How do we all deal with her eyes?"

Stonemaul says, "They do say that if you close off your eyes your other senses are heightened."

The rakshasa scoffs, "Uh, if you intend to deal with the dragon you best be able to handle a medusa. Put a bag over her head?"

I agree. "That works! It works for a medusa or for Bea Arthur!"

Stonemaul sighs. "Well, we were going to have to deal with the medusa anyway, and this seems like a very valid opportunity to introduce some chaos into what seems like a longstanding relationship."

Garreth shrugs. "It's something to discuss and or plan for. We might want to go get a mirrored shield or four."

Stonemaul nods. "If you'd be so kind as to excuse us we'll discuss your offer in detail." He heads back to the barrel of radioactive waste.

The rakshasa nods as well. "Very well, do stop by after you have your little chat"

I tell Logan to stand watch, and we chat among ourselves, as much in Aquan as we can. Stonemaul says, "As I said, we were going to have to deal with the rakshasa and the medusa anyway. Doing this seems to make the job a bit easier. Further, with Zaber's platinum-coated tongue we can most likely simply inform the medusa of the plan, and have her act out the helpless victim, thus avoiding that fight as well."

I gurgle in Aquan, "I, like, know he wants to kill us and will do it when he has a chance, but I like his lifestyle."

Stonemaul says, "I believe you won him over quite well with your speech, and he seemed pretty honest about his offer. I'm totally down if you guys want to just get on with the slaughtering, but having a medusa and rakshasa in our debt seems like it may pay off more than having a few more notches on my sword."

Garreth has Bleu tell us about rakshasas. "So, they are a race of Lawful Evil outsiders. They enjoy power and dominance of a predatory aristocrat, but the lazy indolence and luxury of a cat. They cannot resist the finer things in life, and wield powerful sorcerous magic. They can shapeshift and assume various forms, preferring that of humanoid tigers, but are marked by their reversed hands."

Garreth raises his eyebrow. "Lawful? So they must keep deals?"

Bleu nods. "It does not appear it is a form of demonic contract, but yes, they should in general honor their word. They feel their nobility far exceeds that of lesser races." Garreth asks if they can grant wishes. Bleu says they cannot, but they can craft enchantments.

Stonemaul says, "So, it seems the real question is: how much can we negotiate playing bedroom pixies for?"

Garreth shakes his head. "So, I have a few other concerns. He associated with the slavers. I went a long way out of my way to murder those slavers."

Stonemaul sighs. "Suppose we could ask him what he intends to do after this is all said and done. Get back to the choppin' if it's more slavery."

Garreth shakes his head again. "The association with slavery, then the ask to bring us another creature bound up just rubs me the wrong way. I'll go along with the group on this, but making my concerns heard."

I say, "Will do whatever it takes to get in this cat's doubtless marvelous liquor cabinet."

Garreth chuckles, "Murder gets us there just fine."

Stonemaul says, "How about this? We do like I outlined: Zaber talks to the medusa. So long as she's down for whatever this relationship is, then are are just bedroom pixies facilitating … something. And we get them both to pay us for the troubles."

With that, we set forth for Cillamar again to get mirrored shields.

Castle Whiterock 12 December 2022: Eskimo

The murderhoboes

Garreth, half-orc swordsman
    Bleu, droning elf wizard
Zaber, suave and debonaire man
    Logan, wolverine
Polly, cute and deadly elf archer

What they did

Polly tries to find Ghost Touch for her rapier, which she does, but cannot find Shatterproof for it also. She gets a new bless, and we go back to Castle Whiterock.

We go back to the room where we fought the djinn, and outside the door, there's a sign. The sign has writing in many languages, including Common, Dwarven, Undercommon, and Elven. I start to read it, and Garreth peers at the sign sounding it out, mouth moving silently. The hair on the back of my neck tingles, I stop reading. "Maybe not read that." The others stop reading it as well.

Garreth glares through his eyelids at the sign while stepping back, sensing with chi. He beckons Logan to him, then rummages in the backpack of holding for his awesome mundane oricalchum sword. Garreth fishes it out and takes note of the sign's location. Logan pants and makes a couple of yipping sounds. "Zaber, get away from there!" Garreth hauls us and the barrel behind the safe rock wall.

Garreth asks Bleu, "If I put a greatsword through the trap, what are the odds I regret it?"

Bleu shrugs. "Sometimes things explode, sometimes they don't." She gives us a detailed accounting of the 1,801 observed objects hit with a greatsword by Twombius the Thwacker, of which 904 exploded

I roll my eyes. "Wake me when she's done." Garreth tosses his sword at the sign, splitting it in two and letting out a blast, far enough away so that nothing hurts us. I takes a swig of whiskey after a hit. "Wow. Cool."

Garreth goes to get his sword. He picks it up and sheathes it, in time to see the doors swing open! "Hey guys, that sign is a heath and safety hazard, imagine if someone fragile had been here."

We see a large three headed white tiger, and I haven't yet taken any mushrooms. "Hello, Kitty!"

Polly moves and takes three shots at the triger and it falls dead. "The three heads and being covered in spiky protrusions plus loud explosions are signs of not being natural, right?" Garreth starts to skin the tiger after a slug from my whiskeyskin, and takes its salamander amulet after the tiger melts.

I takes another swig. "Hey, where's Blah?" I look around, and Bleu comes up from behind us. "Wow, Blah, we didn't notice you were gone!" The door is now open. I go into the room. I see a pair of incongruous stone doors are set into the wall across the surface of the lake. They seem to be unadorned. Intricate tracework of spellruin ivy surrounds the locking mechanisms. "We got any more magical Roundup?"

Garreth nods. "Bleu, let's say you wanted to contain a highly magical creature. Would planting spellruin ivy be a good way to get that done?" Bleu happily babbles on The Care of Magical Creatures, and we learn that trace amounts of spellruin ivy like this would be effective against small but mighty magical creatures such as the Lavender Micro Salamander, but not ones which might be able to physically force it. This would make it tough to use Lockmaster or other magic on the lock.

I sigh. "I think I wanna know what she's on."

Garreth asks, "What if there's a lot more beyond the door?" Bleu gives us many many many details of the Lavender Micro Salamander. According to her, one has big eyes, can set giant amounts of fires even though it is small, and likes blonde princesses and snow. It can control its temperature and makes a great pet if you don't mind it burning down houses, settlements, or woods from time to time.

Garreth sighs. "Bleu, I don't care about the salamander you kept as a pet. I want to know if lots of spellruin ivy could keep larger powerful magical creatures captive."

Bleu says, "Well, this door could stop a Lavender Micro Salamander, which is a powerful magical creature. It would not stop say a a very large elemental."

Garreth asks, "Or a demon?"

Bleu adds, "Possibly the lavender micro salamander could slip under the door, but not through the lock, as you can see the spellruin ivy, though only trace amounts, is very near the lock." Bleu happily babbles on the many and varied demons, of which only less strong ones would be stopped by this.

Garreth strips down to his shirtsleeves waiting till last to remove the amulet. He rushes the door and splatters the hinges and lock with herbicide, killing the ivy. He sets down the barrel and sprints back to the amulet, tossing it on, as well as the rest of his gear.

Bleu keeps babbling, "Now, the Lavender Micro Salamander would be able to melt out the locking mechanism and wiggle through." We also learn that Lavender Micro Salamanders enjoy hot peppers, hot coffee and hot lava baths.

I beckon to Bleu. "Bleu, come here. Smoke this." I light up my joint again and put in her mouth. She smokes it, and soon is telling stories of Lavender Micro Salamanders dancing through the clouds upside down to thin air. She is somewhat less boring. She flies through the air sideways, divorced from the call of gravity. "I'm gonna move her up to shrooms next."

I pick the lock, and the door opens. The path ahead is not rough stone, but rather a smooth corridor decorated with mosaics on all surfaces. The floor and ceiling resemble the delicate scales of a snake, and the walls feature bold designs similar to the pelt of a tiger.

However, Bleu keeps talking. She tells stories about phase serpents and cat snakes from college. "On the first day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the second day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, on the fourth day I fed four ounces of phase snake kibble, and on the fifth day I fed a dead rat!" She tells how the dancing clouds elevate the rats soul to the great beyond in the sky. How sad.

I chuckle, "Pretty soon she'll be my kinda woman."

After a few more feet, I make out lights ahead. The tunnel ends in an arched stone door. On either side of the door is a pillar, each mounted with the head of an animal: a tiger on the right and a snake to the left. From each animal’s mouth hands a low-burning, hooded lantern. I go past the doors, down the stairs, and check out the door, which is locked with even more spellruin ivy. I beckon Garreth for more Roundup, and he takes care of it before I pick the lock.

The door opens into a T-shaped room with high ceilings. In the middle of the room is a long table, with costly dishes atop it. Each end has a wooden thrones. Double doors are set into the wall on the other wide, and curtains hide what is beyond to the left and right. I check the left passage, pushing aside a spider silk curtain with a tiger print pattern.

Beyond the curtain is a big bedchamber with a big, four-poster bed fit for a king, a big vanity on the far wall with ribbons and combs all over it, and pillows scattered on floor. The ceiling arches overhead to a height of twenty feet. Checked tiles cover the floors, and smaller tiles make dizzying geometric patterns on the walls.

Lounging on a pillow is a man with a tiger’s pelt and head, and its paw-hands are set on its wrists backwards. It idly looks over at us as we go into the room and then smiles, showing a mouth full of sharp teeth.

I smile with envy. "Man, you have a great life!"